The betrayal of Jesus Christ is one of the most poignant and painful sufferings he endured. One of the very people he had invested in ended up being an agent of Satan. Jesus promised if he suffered and was hated, then we should expect the same. For pastors, this often shows up in the experience of ministry abandonment or betrayal by those in whom we’ve deeply invested. While our mission in church planting is not the same as that on the cross, the pain all people experience in betrayal and abandonment is no less real. Ministers are not exempted from this pain.
This pain is compounded when people leave over matters which seem insignificant in light of eternity. The relational experience of being left alone, betrayed, or abandoned can be some of the most painful a minister and church planter experiences. They can unearth profound relational problems from the church planters family of origin and can cause the ministry to want to throw in the towel. There are generally three types of abandonment or betrayal that people experience in ministry.[1]
1. These categories are adapted from Tom Bennardo, “Chapter 5: The Truth About the Back Door, or Don’t Chase Christians,” in The Honest Guide to Church Planting: What No One Ever Tells You About Planting and Leading a New Church (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2019), 75–89.
Three Types of Abandonment or Betrayal in Ministry
There are those who think you’re crazy (Mark 3:21). The vision of planting a church can be hard to believe. This includes yourself sometimes as you want to believe what God can do but can struggle seeing how it can happen. Any time you lead others towards a new initiative, to start a new thing for God, there will be those who say you are crazy. If they said it of Christ, they will surely say it of you. Jesus’s own family believed he was crazy. It is easy to think that Jesus took this in stride but there is no doubt that being doubted by one’s own family is relationally painful.
When we planted The Well Church, there were pastors in our city who said we shouldn’t plant. There were Christians who said it would never work. Even some in our own families couldn’t understand why we would move to a place hostile to the gospel. The experience of our own families doubting the mission can cause church planters to wonder if it is really worth it.
While some will think you are crazy, there are others who say nice words but abandon you (Mark 14:72). Some people will speak kindly towards you and may even express their commitment to you. They will heap praises on the doctrinal clarity of your church. They will speak encouragingly of the direction of the ministry. But when push comes to shove, they will leave the church as soon as a better option comes up. This can make pastors become cynical quickly.
Early on in the church plant my wife experienced this in a very profound way. An older woman who just joined our church summoned the wives of our core team for a meeting. The younger women on the core team were eager to meet and this older woman shared how much she was committed to our church plant, how glad she was to have found the church, and why she was so thankful for the church plant. Two weeks later this woman left our church.
Even worse than these two categories are those who sell you out (Matt. 26:15). They sell your secrets out for power and control. This is one of the most insidious forms of betrayal. There will be those in your ministry whom you entrust your life to. You share with them your pains and hurts. You attempt to walk in the light with them. But then they use your very weaknesses and vulnerability against you by airing them to others. In the worst circumstances, they will build an alliance with others seeking to either break the church in half or at least break your will.
Any seasoned ministry leader can relate. There are seasoned men in whom you confide who then use their status as confidant to control you or worse attempt to expose you as a fraud. These are deeply disturbing experiences which wreak relational havoc in our lives.
Hope for Betrayed and Abandoned Pastors
Through ministry betrayal God invites us to experience the healing of the gospel. Many ministers are attracted to ministry because it affords them the opportunity to work out the relational deficiencies from their past. They get into ministry with high hopes and dreams of creating a new family who will not abandon them. These new ministers and church planters are quickly thrown into turmoil as the very pain they experience from their family of origin begins to play out in their own church. With every ministry betrayal we experience, God invites us to return to himself for healing. The experience of betrayal or abandonment elicits the lie that we are alone, that no one cares for us, that we have no connection and cannot trust others. But Jesus does not leave us alone (2 Tim. 4:17).
We need to be able to trust others in ministry. God heals relational wounds relationally. It is essential that pastors and ministry leaders be able to connect with others with whom they can experience this relational healing in trusted relationships. Networks and denominations can provide ample opportunity for these types of relationships.
God is bigger than our betrayals. He is able to use them for his good and glory. We can go to our Savior who experienced abandonment and betrayal from those closest to him. He is eager to provide healing to those of us who have experienced significant wounds and losses from the very people to whom we seek to minister.
