Encore: Understanding Guilt, Repentance, and Forgiveness

In any helping field, accurate treatment requires accurate diagnosis, and accurate diagnosis requires knowing what to look for and why. Physicians know what tests to order for their patients because they understand how the body malfunctions and deteriorates. Similarly, counselors must understand the nature and origin of human problems if they are to know what questions to ask, what answers to listen for, and what remedies to apply. This issue lies at the foundation of every question a counselor must answer.

Competing theories abound. Some root counseling disorders in a person’s nature—their inborn biological factors—while others see a person’s nurture—their social environment—as the cause. Still others stress a complex combination of both.

Biblical counselors provide a more profound explanation. People are created in God’s image and inescapably related to him, and yet sin has profoundly corrupted our natures. While both biological and social factors can influence human behavior, assigning causation to nature and/or nurture excludes this essential, deeper, Godward factor—the soul in relationship to God. We must never look at people apart from their connection to God.

The ultimate problem all counseling addresses is sin and the curse and consequences resulting from them, even if the counselee doesn’t acknowledge God’s diagnosis or accept biblical terminology. This does not mean every counseling problem results from an individual’s wrong choices. The person might be suffering from the sins of others, the consequences of Adam’s sin, or a mixture of all the above.

In this chapter we want to prepare counselors to help people understand their guilt, repent, and receive God’s forgiveness in Christ. Biblical counseling calls people to change, and true and lasting change requires repentance and living in light of God’s forgiveness. Biblical counselors delight in helping counselees resolve their guilt and enjoy the freedom that comes from a restored relationship with the Lord. God the Father, after all, wants to hear a counselee’s confession and forgive.

Helping Counselees Understand Guilt

Based on the biblical distinctions we saw between intentional and unintentional sin and between clear and confused guilt in chapter 6, let’s consider four scenarios, each involving a recently married Christian woman.

Scenario 1: Angela knew believers should marry only believers (1 Cor 7:39; 2 Cor 6:14). She married a Christian man. She was neither guilty of sin nor feeling guilt.

Scenario 2: Beth also knew the Bible’s teaching but despite the objections of her Christian friends, she married a non-Christian man. She was guilty of intentional sin and felt guilty.

Scenario 3: Crystal also married a non-Christian man, but she was unaware of the Bible’s prohibition against it. Though guilty of violating God’s commands, she felt no guilt, nor would we expect her to. Her sin was unintentional.

Both Beth’s willful sin and Crystal’s unintentional sin incurred true, objective guilt before God. Any thought, word, action, or desire that violates God’s law, intentionally or not, is sinful. Yet the women’s experiences differed in terms of guilt feelings. Guilt feelings are a function of the conscience. A healthy conscience is biblically instructed; it aligns with God’s Word. Beth’s conscience functioned properly. We rightly feel guilty when we violate Scripture. In this sense, guilt feelings are friends. They alert us to inspect ways we might have sinned. Sin is bad, but guilt—if dealt with properly—is good. Crystal’s conscience was not biblically trained; therefore, unfortunately, she felt no guilt.

Now, let’s consider scenario 4. Like Angela, Danika married a Christian man, in keeping with God’s standards. Yet, unlike Angela, she felt guilty about her decision. Why? Because she believed she had sinned. How so?

Danika came from a wealthy home with successful, career-driven parents who insisted she marry a professional. Instead, she dated a godly man with a low-paying job and little prospect of upward mobility. She married him but believed deep down she had done something wrong by not obeying her parents. When she violated her conscience—her weak, biblically ill-informed conscience—she (properly) felt guilty. We not only will feel guilty when we violate pseudo-laws, we should feel guilty. Change will require Danika placing herself under God’s law, not her own.

Four Scenarios of Objective Guilt and Subjective Guilt Feelings

In addressing this situation, some secular (nonbiblical) counselors or well-meaning friends might call Danika’s guilt “false guilt” and plead, “Danika, stop feeling guilty. You did nothing wrong. That’s false guilt you’re feeling.” After all, unlike Beth and Crystal, Danika did not disobey a clear command: the Bible does not require a twenty-four-year-old to obey her parents. But calling this “false guilt” can convey to Danika we are minimizing her feelings, denying her internal struggles, or issuing a moralistic “stop it, grow up, that’s stupid” message. Guilt feelings can’t be switched off or willed away. We must not dismiss her emotions, however confused they are. Moreover, labeling it “false guilt” misses the element of objective guilt that’s present. Danika did indeed do something wrong—she wrongly placed herself under a law that wasn’t God’s law, then violated her conscience and felt guilty. Loving Danika means helping her understand and liberating her from her confused guilt.

Beth, Crystal, and Danika each need biblical counsel to deal with their actions before God and their consciences’ interpretations and responses. The counseling task involves helping them sort out any confused guilt, feel appropriate guilt, confess and repent of actual sin, and receive God’s forgiveness in Christ. Thankfully, whether their guilt and guilt feelings are intentional or unintentional, or clear or confused, this one answer gloriously soars before these struggling brides: the cross of Jesus Christ, the Savior who “is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 Jn. 1:9).

So, how should we lead our counselees into true repentance and the joyful, liberating reality of forgiveness?

Helping Counselees Repent

Mindful of the discussed distinctions, we should help counselees see and own whatever sin is present. We do so in two ways. First, we help them see their sin in light of God’s Word as it’s rightly interpreted and applied. Paul tells Timothy that God’s inspired Word “is profitable for teaching, for rebuking, for correcting, for training in righteousness” (2 Tim. 3:16). We measure ourselves by the Bible as our standard. Hebrews 4:12–13 describes God’s Word as a sword that cuts into the core of our souls and exposes the depths of our sin. James likens the Bible to a mirror by which we can truly see what we really are (Jas. 1:22–25).

Secondly, given the Bible as our standard, sword, and mirror, we encourage people to ask God to search them for any sin, including hidden sin. Consider Ps 139:23–24 as a model prayer: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my concerns. See if there is any offensive way in me; lead me in the everlasting way.” Our goals should reflect Paul’s heart: “I always strive to have a clear conscience toward God and men” (Acts 24:16), and Paul’s gospel-driven exhortation: “So then, dear friends, since we have these promises, let us cleanse ourselves from every impurity of the

flesh and spirit, bringing holiness to completion in the fear of God” (2 Cor 7:1). As we saw in chapter 4, change occurs as God’s Spirit convicts us of sin and leads us toward godliness in light of Christ’s work.

As we lead people to see their sin, we should lead them to repentance. Consider weaving these eight vital marks of true repentance into your counseling as appropriate.

1. Realize You Have Sinned Primarily against God, and against His Law and Grace

After Adam and Eve sinned, they covered themselves with fig leaves and “hid from the Lord God among the trees” (Gen. 3:6–8). In other words, they sought their own way to deal with their internal shame and avoided God. Thankfully, God pursued them and showed grace, promising a Redeemer and covering their sin (Gen. 3:9–21).

In Scripture we find moving examples of God-centered repentance. In his confessions David was explicitly conscious of God:

• Psalm 32:5: Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not conceal my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord,” and you forgave the guilt of my sin.
• Psalm 41:4: I said, “Lord, be gracious to me; heal me, for I have sinned against you.”
• Psalm 51:3–4: For I am conscious of my rebellion, and my sin is always before me. Against you—you alone—I have sinned and done this evil in your sight.

We might also consider the God-focused prayers of confession embedded in Ezra 9; Nehemiah 9; and Daniel 9.^[1] Asking counselees to study these passages and the above psalms will increase their God-focused confessions.

1. Consider using the acronym END9 as a memory aid on where to find these helpful passages.

Moreover, in true repentance we acknowledge that we have sinned not only against God the lawgiver but also against God the Redeemer, the God who graciously sent his Son to pay for our sins. We’ve spurned both his law and his grace.

2. Recognize the Severity of Your Sin

Many counselees don’t grasp the depth of their sin. They minimize or excuse it. When questioned, they might reply, “Yes, but after all, I’m only human.” This attitude ignores the fact that Jesus was (and is) fully human (as well as divine) yet resisted sin (Phil. 2:5–8; Heb. 12:3–4). True, we are fallen humans, awaiting the perfecting Christlike humanity God will bring about for his people (Eph. 4:24; Col. 3:10; 1 Jn. 3:2). But even now we Christians are not merely human; we are regenerate, having new hearts. The same Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead lives in us (Rom. 8:11)! We can offer these helpful insights to those who downplay their sin by saying, “That’s just the way I am” or “I guess my flesh just got the best of me.” Flippancy betrays an underestimation of the sinfulness of sin.

Moreover, when we believers minimize our sin, we fail to see how our sin led to Jesus’s horrible death on the cross (1 Pet. 2:24) and how it grieves his Holy Spirit (Eph. 4:30). Freshly reading the crucifixion narratives that end each of the four Gospels can sober souls dealing with sin.

3. Own Full Responsibility for Your Sin

We cannot blame anything or anyone else for our sin. It does not result from our physiology, economic situation, in-laws, or ungodly culture. Satan tempts, but we succumb. While we might be victimized, we don’t sin because we are victims. We can’t explain our sin away by various notions of a “wounded inner child,” an “empty love cup/tank/bank,” or any similar deficit or psychological-need theory. No one sins because he is a 2 on an Enneagram test or a high “D” on a personality profile. Each person sins because each is a sinner.

This unpleasant reality is why we must help counselees in, say, a conflicted relationship give primary focus to any and all ways they have sinfully contributed to the relational breakdown. Jesus highlighted this in several ways:^[2]

2. For further discussion of these themes, see Robert D. Jones, Pursuing Peace: A Christian Guide to Handling Conflict (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2012), 79–82, 139–42.

• In Matthew 7:3–5, Jesus called us to focus on and deal with our own sin before addressing anyone else’s, calling us hypocrites if we fail to do so. He urges viewing personal sin as worse than the other person’s sin.
• In Luke 18:9–14, Jesus declared that self-righteousness breeds judgmentalism and that the only thing worse than being “greedy, unrighteous, adulterers” is being proud that you‘re not one.
• In Matthew 18:21–35, Jesus showed how God’s merciful forgiveness of our massive sin debt against him should move us to show mercy to those who have sinned against us in far lesser ways.

4. Deal with Your Sin on the Heart and Behavioral Levels

As we saw in previous chapters, the human heart is the center of all internal functioning—beliefs, motives, attitudes, will, thoughts, emotions, affections, desires, and volition. It’s the seat or control center of the inner person—what rules us, drives us, and controls us—and is the source of all our behavior. True repentance not only addresses behavior, then; it cuts to the very heart of the person.

5. Acknowledge Your Sins of Commission and Omission

As we saw in chapter 6, sins of commission involve what we said, did, believed, and wanted that we should not have said, done, believed, and wanted (1 Jn. 3:4). Sins of omission involve what we did not say, do, believe, or want that we should have (Jas. 4:17).

Counselees sometimes unwisely focus on commission sins and forget omission sins, which are often the ones that wound more deeply. For example, while most married couples don’t punch each other (commission), they often offend each other by omission sins: “He doesn’t spend time with me”; “she doesn’t respect me.” This distinction helps guide our ministry agenda: it’s one thing to help counselees curb their or her cussing tongue; it’s another thing to help them replace ugly words with gracious ones. Wise biblical counselors urge counselees to identify, confess, and change their sins of both commission and omission.

One practical growth assignment that can aid in this goal involves a counselee completing a four-quadrant analysis (see sample below) and prayerfully considering both columns.^[3]

3. Jones,76–79.

6. Admit Your Specific Sins

Some counselees settle for making generic confessions, attributing their sin to abstract categories, such as “flesh,” “pride,” or “self.” Or they use summary terms without specific examples. We should labor to specify the form of flesh, pride, or self-centeredness the counselee manifests rather than accepting fuzzy language. After all, a confession such as “I’m sorry I was angry” is a good start, but it is insufficient for helping a warring couple resolve marriage conflicts. Better would be, “I’m sorry I spoke harshly to you. It was inappropriate and unkind. Please forgive me.”

7. Grieve over Your Sin

True repentance expresses sincere, godly emotions, including hatred, grief, and sorrow over our sin. James 4:8–10 urges, “Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Be miserable and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.” Of course, there is no defining or legislating how deep or how long someone’s sorrow over their sin should be. A person’s temperament, culture, or family background can influence how they expressed sorrow. Regardless, we certainly must not confuse worldly grief—that which lacks the marks of repentance in this chapter—with godly grief (2 Cor 7:10).

8. Desire to Change

True repentance carries a desire to forsake our sin and change, whether or not our circumstances change. In fact, one evidence of genuine repentance is a commitment to change even if the situation that occasioned the counselee to seek counseling improves. As Prov 28:13 announces, “The one who conceals his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them will find mercy.” In its chapter on repentance, the Westminster Confession of Faith concisely combines the emotions of hatred and grief with this desire to change:

By it, a sinner, out of the sight and sense not only of the danger, but also of the filthiness and odiousness of his sins, as contrary to the holy nature, and righteous law of God; and upon the apprehension of his mercy in Christ to such as are penitent, so grieves for, and hates his sins, as to turn from them all unto God, purposing and endeavoring to walk with him in all the ways of his commandments.^[4]

4. The Westminster Assembly Confession of Faith, 15:2. Note: the link used in this article differs from that originally provided in the book.

Based on God’s grace in Christ and dependent on his Spirit to help us, we commit to the practical steps of putting off sin and putting on righteousness (Col. 3:8–10). In light of God’s compassion and grace we can and should return to him.

We see a stunning call to grace-propelled repentance and change in Joel 2:12–13. Amid the Lord chastening his sinning people through a locust invasion, he offers through those dark clouds a bright shaft of hope: “Even now . . . turn to me with all your heart, with fasting, weeping, and mourning. Tear your hearts, not just your clothes, and return to the Lord your God.” What is the basis for the call to return? God’s preceding grace: “For [an explanatory conjunction] he is [not just will be] gracious and compassionate, slow to anger, abounding in faithful love, and he relents from sending disaster” (italics added). God’s people need to grasp his grace, turn to him, and tear their hearts in true repentance. God’s grace does not merely come in response to repentance; it precedes and motivates it. His grace makes our return to him both possible and desirous.

Helping Counselees Freshly Receive God’s Forgiving Grace

To rightly conclude a chapter or a counseling session about guilt and repentance, we must rehearse the gospel. Stopping with the topic of repentance can lead to despair. We must not leave counselees depressed about their sin. Wallowing in guilt and living in endless remorse won’t produce Christian growth. When counselees repent, we want them to grip and be gripped by God’s forgiveness.

What do we mean by God’s forgiveness? We might define it as God’s decision, promise, and declaration not to hold our sins against us, because of our faith in what Jesus Christ did for us on the cross. Before the foundation of the world God designed a salvation plan (Eph. 1:3–14) that includes “redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace” (Eph. 1:7). In that plan he decided to forgive all who repent and believe in his Son Jesus.

Furthermore, God declares his forgiveness to those who turn to Jesus. The gospel is God’s announcement to guilty sinners that he will not hold their sins against them:

• Nathan said to David, “The Lord has taken away your sin; you will not die” (2 Sam. 12:13).
• Jesus said to the paralytic man, “Son, your sins are forgiven” (Mark 2:5).
• Jesus said to the sinful woman, “Your sins are forgiven” (Luke 7:48). Note how Jesus not only told Simon that he forgave her; Jesus also told her directly.
• Peter said to the Jewish hearers at Pentecost, “Repent and be baptized, each of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins, and you will receive the gift of the Holy Spirit”(Acts 2:38).
• Paul said to the Jewish and Gentile proselytes, “Therefore, let it be known to you, brothers and sisters, that through [Christ] forgiveness of sins is being proclaimed to you” (Acts 13:38).

How should we minister God’s forgiveness to our repentant counselees? We should call the nonbelievers among them to repent and believe in Jesus Christ to find God’s initial forgiveness (see chapter 19). We should remind our Christian counselees first of the forgiveness God has already given them in Christ through his death and resurrection. Then, along with the passages above, we can assign these passages for study and reflection:

• Psalms 103:11–12; Ps. 130:3–4; Isa. 1:18; 38:17; Isa. 44:22; Jer. 50:20; and Mic. 7:19 picture God’s forgiveness of his people by supplying moving metaphors.
• Colossians 1:13–14; Col. 2:13–14; Col. 3:13–14 can bring direct gospel hope to guilty counselees. These passages address various common individual and relational problems.^[5]

5. We might also assign David’s penitential psalms (Pss 32:5; 41:4; 51:4–5) and the prayers of confession in Ezra 9, Nehemiah 9, and Daniel 9. Both Neh 9:16–19 and Dan 9:14–19 provide striking displays of God’s grace, compassion, and love toward repentant people.

Second, we should remind our Christian counselees of the fresh, daily, ongoing, Fatherly forgiveness God gives believers when they turn back to the Lord. In 1 John 1:5–2:2, the apostle reminds us that believers do indeed frequently sin, that regular confession is the normal rhythm of the Christian, and that Christ’s atoning sacrifice pays for our sins. The promise of verse 1:9 should bring constant assurance to every believer: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and righteous to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

A biblical counselor can reinforce the declaratory nature of God’s forgiveness by functioning as a believer-priest (1 Pet 2:9) and orally pronouncing to repentant counselees words from a gospel passage that assure them of that forgiveness.

Conclusion

We close this chapter with the moving words of Charles Spurgeon that pull together the severity of sin and the glories of Christ with this image of a person about to be executed for his capital crime: “Too many think lightly of sin, and therefore think lightly of the Savior. He who has stood before his God, convicted and condemned . . ., is the man to weep for joy when he is pardoned, to hate the evil which has been forgiven him, and to live to the honor of the Redeemer by whose blood he has been cleansed.”^[6] We praise Jesus Christ for taking that death penalty we and our counselees deserved and freeing us from sin’s curse.

6. Charles Haddon Spurgeon, The Autobiography of Charles H. Spurgeon, Compiled from His Diary, Letters, and Records by His Wife and His Private Secretary, vol. 1, 1834– 1854 (New York: Fleming H. Revell, 1898), 76