Parenting children, especially as the father who bears the responsibility for leading the home, can seem overwhelmingly complicated. But training[1] your kids as a father is not rocket science—it’s just very hard. As big sinners training little sinners, we often lose our way. However, most of effective fathering comes down to a few basic principles that provide a simple, clear path toward training your children with the peace and security that flow from God’s calling on your life as a father.
1. Fathers often think our role is to ‘parent’—which is a vague concept for many of us. Proverbs 22:6 and Ephesians 6:4 give the more specific vision that a father’s primary role is to “train up” his child.
When parenting feels chaotic or overwhelming, ninety-five percent of the time it’s because we’ve lost track of these simple principles rooted in a God-trusting mindset. These principles apply to all ages as the core foundation of fathering. However, the teenage years (especially 14+) require an additional level of nuance that space constraints prevent us from developing here.[2]
2. For teen years, the principles here still stay the foundation, but you must add a number of things on top of these principles—such as developing your child initiating independent moves of adult manhood and womanhood. In the classic coaching/mentoring model, teen years are the “You do, and I watch” stage.
What your preteen son or daughter needs is what every human being needs: security (Deut. 33:27, Ps. 46:1, Prov. 14:26, Eph. 6:4).[3] This security comes through two essential elements: love and stable structure. When these elements work together, they breed an environment of freedom where children can grow into strong men and women who will one day lead others with confidence and wisdom. Building primarily off Ephesians 6:4, I will offer six principles—on a broad range of issues—that will help fathers to do the hard work of parenting.
3. Don’t be put off by pop-psychology’s use of the term “security.” Security is a core-promise given to all God-followers, just as Proverbs 14:26 says, “In the fear of Yahweh there is strong security, and his children will have refuge” (LSB, emphasis added). Real God-fearing will result in security for your children. The prohibition, “do not provoke your children to anger!” is another way of saying “do not take away from your children the secure stability you provide.” Cf. Col. 3:21, Jas. 5:12, 2 Cor. 1:17.
1. Tying Heart Strings as a Lifestyle
Ephesians 6:4 positively commands fathers to “nourish” their children (LSB). The Greek word translated as nourish only has one other New Testament use in Ephesians 5:29, where Christ “nourishes and cherishes” the church. In light of this parallel, the first core principle for fathers is this: connect with your children in meaningful ways—that is, ways that are genuinely meaningful from their perspective (Ps 139:1–5).[4] Picture this as tying strings from your heart to their heart. When you consistently tie many strings between your hearts as a lifestyle, your training will be a world of warmth and security.
4. Nourishing cannot be handed down from ‘on-high.’ It requires knowing those you nourish. “He knows those who take refuge in him” (Nah 1:7). Also, “not provoking” requires knowledge of ‘what will provoke.’
This connection must be a lifestyle, not just something you do in moments of discipline (Deut. 6:6–7). Children build security when they know—deeply and consistently—that someone cares about them in a way that means love to them (Ps. 103:13).[5] This means regularly communicating love through connection that resonates with your specific child’s heart and personality.
5. Psalm 103:13 “As a father shows compassion to his children, so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.” Just as God does not merely show us compassion in the abstract, but condescends to care for those things that are ‘insignificant’ on a cosmic scale but significant to us, so we as fathers must show love to our children not just in the big picture of their lives, but in the little things that really connect with them and matter to them (even if they matter to them more than they should!).
Tying these heart strings requires sacrificing parental comfort. After a long day, it’s not comfortable to get up and throw the football, play with legos, or talk about a new card game fad that your kids are engrossed in. But, an important expression of fatherly love is to discover what your children care about and invest time connecting with them there. Sometimes this means learning from your child about what they value; other times it means inviting them into your world to see if they connect from their heart. When my sons got into basketball, I learned how to shoot, play, and even coach. Discover what makes your kids eyes light up and find ways to join them there.
When you combine a few simple boundaries with tying heart strings, you create a warm environment where your child knows that someone cares in a way they can deeply understand—a place where they feel secure and experience tremendous freedom within the defined rules.
2. Simple, Few, and Clear Boundaries that Do Not Move
According to Ephesians 6:4, a father nourishes his children through building them up in “training and instruction.”[6] The second core principle for giving kids security is establishing boundaries that are simple, few, clear, and do not move.
6. “Training” (paideia) is developing a child to full-orbed maturity, and instruction (nouthesia) speaks to admonishment and correction. Setting boundaries on what is good and what is off limits is the required and natural outgrowth of loving relationship, as God does with his children (cf. Ex. 20).
Some parents set numerous, complicated rules, which create unrealistic expectations that prevent their children from feeling a sense of success in the home. This overwhelms them and undermines their sense of security, making home feel like a minefield rather than their secure castle. But a few and simple rules gives the child clear expectations, which reinforces a sense of security. Boundaries should also be specific and unambiguous. For example, saying “special things are no touch” is subjective and vague—what exactly qualifies as “special” or “no touch”? Instead, be explicit: “Don’t touch Daddy’s tools” or “The china cabinet is off-limits.”
Do Not Move Boundaries
James 5:12 is great parenting advice: “my brothers . . . let your ‘yes’ be yes and your ‘no’ be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation” (cf. 2 Cor 1:17). Many parents regularly add rules on the fly. While it’s true that sometimes you don’t realize a boundary is needed until a child crosses it, this should be rare. Adding or moving haphazard boundaries frequently breeds insecurity in children. From a child’s perspective, constantly shifting boundaries communicate: “Dad and mom are not secure or safe, so I can’t trust their leadership.” Children who don’t know that the rules today will remain the rules tomorrow are tempted either to rebel against all rules as arbitrary, or to live as timid observers—always afraid of breaking a rule they don’t yet know about.
Some parents move boundaries based on their mood or energy level. When the same behavior is wrong on Monday, allowed on Tuesday and Wednesday, then wrong again on Thursday, this inconsistency breeds deep insecurity and distrust in children. This is a key to applying Ephesians 6:4 and Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” While moving boundaries certainly isn’t the only way to provoke your child, it is one way to guarantee that they become discouraged. Rules that are consistently enforced are critical in training kids in what’s expected of them, allowing them to grow in confidence.
Within these few clear boundaries, children should experience tremendous freedom. Your children should always know exactly where the boundaries are and understand that beyond those simple rules, everything else represents total freedom—their domain to explore and thrive. Outside those few boundaries lies a huge free space to play, discover, imagine, and create—a place where they can move with confidence, knowing they will never encounter a surprise bombing from Mom or Dad.
3. Consistency: Always Making Disobedience “Not Worth It”
Hebrews 12:6–8 says this,
For the Lord disciplines (read: trains by discipline) the one he loves and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. (ESV)
For fathers, the simple rule for consequences is to make crossing any boundary clearly not worth it. Proverbs teaches us that “Whoever spares the rod hates his child, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Prov. 13:4; cf. Heb. 12:11). Whatever pleasure or satisfaction a child gets from disobedience, the consequence should outweigh it.
7. The only exceptions to this rule are situations where the training must be completed in a single session, as when disobedience could result in loss of life or significant physical harm. In these unique instances, the consequence needs to be severe enough to drill the boundary in a single discipline.
Consequences should normally not be exceedingly harsh—training doesn’t try to force change to happen in one session.[7] But on the other extreme, if the consequence barely outweighs the reward of disobedience—if it’s just slightly not worth it—your children, being as naturally addicted to sin as you are, will still attempt to get away with their transgression. When a child begins testing you by going right to the edge of a boundary, even if they don’t cross, you must consistently make that testing not worth it.[8] You are training their heart toward righteousness.
8. Think, for example, of the way small toddlers will get as close as possible to an object that is “no touch” without actually touching it. When they reach their hand toward it, watching to see how you will react, you must make this a “not worth it” moment—even if they don’t actually touch the object. Simply snatching the item out of their reach or waiting until they’ve egregiously breached the boundary robs your child of a chance to encounter training of the simple, clear boundaries that define their zone of freedom and security.
When I say “consistent,” I mean every time—there should never be an instance where the reward—that endorphin release, or that sinful satisfaction of crossing those few, simple, and clear boundaries—pays off for your children. Scripture is clear on this—”Do not withhold discipline [i.e. training] from a child” (Prov. 23:13). “But I love them,” someone may protest, “It feels too harsh to discipline them every time!” This mindset is not love for them—it’s love for oneself and one’s own comfort. Remember the words of Solomon: “If you strike [your child] with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol” (Prov. 23:13–14). Inconsistency in enforcing boundaries is not compassion; it’s selfishness and laziness. Moreover, inconsistent applying of boundaries makes you appear chaotic and unstable to your children—hardly the secure leadership needed to capture their hearts and keep them from being provoked (Eph. 6:4).
There are things, such as gravity, air, day, and night, that are so consistently normal that without conscious thought we rely on them, and these consistencies are key in to experiencing God’s goodness in the world. The ideal is that your children know completely how you and mom will act, what and when is ‘no,’ and the rest is ‘yes.’ This makes you and mom a world that they completely trust without even thinking about it. You become as reliable as the sun, water and air, and they feel as free as a warm summer night with their cousins.[9]
9. Proverbs 14:26 confirms this. “In the fear of the Lord one has strong confidence, and his children will have a refuge.” That is, because you stay stable, flowing from a righteous faith and obedience in God, your children find that you are a fortress of refuge.
Remember, this training for self-control happens within the world of warmth you’ve created by regularly tying heart strings, so your child knows you are completely for them
4. Discipline: It’s Not Personal, It’s Training
The Trainer’s Higher Calling
A father’s call is to “train up” a child (Prov. 22:6) and nourish the child in godly “training” (Eph. 6:4). An earthly model of child training and discipline is that of a loving and tough coach. What do coaches do? With a skillful mix of encouragement and exhortation, they help their player to make progress.[10]
10. Paul takes this perspective in 1 Thessalonians 2:11–12: “For you know how, like a father with his children, we exhorted [coached-up] each one of you and encouraged you and charged you to walk in a manner worthy of God, who calls you into his own kingdom and glory.”
Is your child’s disobedience personal and immoral? Yes. But fathers often err by forgetting that as trainers they have a higher calling. A business manager who trains others through taking personal offense or through the ivory tower tone of a moral judge will produce an untrusting, dysfunctional team. Yet with our children, fathers often feel that to “be biblical” we must take their sin as a personal offense against us, putting our children into a pit of disfavor that they must earn their way out of.
But a biblical trainer expects his child to sin and fail—because that’s what sinners do (Prov. 22:15)! He doesn’t view his sinning child with contempt, and he doesn’t require unending penance to win back his fatherly care. He is never surprised at his child’s sin or treat it like a shock. Instead, a child-training father operates from a higher objective: What is going to work? What is going to train effectively? Personal feelings of offense at your child’s sin certainly exist, but they must be set aside for your higher call. Your primary role is to train—even in the midst of their sin—which produces more godly character in your children than the role of a condemning judge.
Therefore, ninety-nine percent of the time, wisdom will primarily view sin as an opportunity for training your child to become a strong adult who will contribute good to the world.
The core paradox: When fathers prioritize training over taking personal offense or giving cold moral judgment, these fathers actually get more morality and less personal offense in the long run. But the opposite is also true.
To take it one step further, your training mindset should be more than neutral—it should be positive, even loving. A training mindset is that of one sinner teaching another sinner to trust and obey God through the stable, loving provision of their earthly father.
Thus, your “lens” toward their mistakes should reflect how a great coach loves his favorite player, calling them into a better life—growing out of a heart captured by the goodness of following God.
Never Train or Discipline in Sinful Anger
James 1:20 says that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.” Your sinful anger will not produce righteousness in your children (cf. Eccl. 7:9). You are not God, nor are you the ultimate judge. If you feel anger rising, walk away and get ahold yourself first. Remember: you are training, not punishing. Even if you need to have a somber conversation with your child, approach it in light of the hope that comes from following Jesus in faith, repentance, and growth in obedience.
Remember, this training for self-control happens within the world of warmth you’ve created by regularly tying heart strings, so your child knows you are completely for them (Prov. 3:12).[11] You’re teaching your children to exercise the muscle of self-control—learning to close the door on immature thoughts and feelings before they take root. Your cool and collected consistency models and leads them to discover and enjoy God’s goodness within the boundaries of self-discipline, where they learn to bring themselves under control.
11. In Proverbs 3:12, God demonstrates his own love in discipline by comparing it to that of an earthly father, “Yahweh reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights.”
Keep Consequences Short
Children were not designed to be prisoners in their own homes. When you impose lengthy punishments—such as grounding for a week—children often forget the original offense and simply conclude that “life sucks” at home (Col. 3:21). In my family, I chose to use spanking for my preteens. The Bible supports this approach (Prov. 19:18, 22:15, 23:13–14, 29:15–17; Heb. 12:6–8), and practically speaking, it is far more kind. Consider this choice from a kid’s perspective: would you choose a brief spanking where the pain ends in about a minute and everyone moves forward in the day together, or choose to spend an entire Saturday grounded and resentful? Once children develop a little bit of mature strength—something achievable by age two in my experience—they themselves would rather choose a brief albeit painful consequence because extended punishment is (frankly) a drag.
For toddlers, a quick flick on the hand with your finger works well. For slightly older children, find a training tool that seems appropriate—maybe a silicone kitchen spoon or something similar. For teens, it may work to move to physical exercise drills; my adult sons still speak warmly about the benefits of “running driveways” up and down the thirty-foot incline leading to our home.
Always Show Love Immediately After Discipline
When you discipline correctly, your children will often hug you and feel very close to you. Dad, after you give the consequence, they ought not be in the doghouse or under a cloud of disapproval. Proverbs connects reproof to delighting in one’s son. “The Lord reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights“ (Prov. 3:12). Always express love immediately after discipline. Communicate to your children that they don’t need to earn their way back into your good graces—they are already there, fully accepted and beloved!
Don’t Enable Bad Attitudes Afterwards
If your child displays a bad attitude after discipline, don’t reward or enable that bad attitude. A bad attitude often represents a child’s attempt to punish dad and mom for not getting their way. Don’t hover around them; simply let them process while you continue life normally. Soon they’ll realize that choosing to remain miserable isn’t worth missing out on family life. You might say, “If you choose to stay upset and withdrawn today, you’ll miss out on our good activities. But we’ll be glad to include you next time when you’re ready to participate.” This may sound firm, but it powerfully motivates them to exercise that muscle of mature self-control next time.
5. Developing Godly Men and Women: Training is Bigger than Consequences
Training is done first, and primarily, in normal life when kids are not “in trouble.” (Deut. 6:4–6). Promote your son or daughter’s practicing of self-denial and doing good towards others by doing it with them as a consistent lifestyle.
Men and Women in Training from Age Two.
One overall purpose of fatherhood is training your children to become adults—training them to grow up to be strong men and women. Even at age two, they are already growing up to be dignified men and women who bear God’s image well;[12] it doesn’t start at age 13 (Prov. 4:3–4).
12. This seems to be the way Timothy’s mother and grandmother raised him, as evidenced by 2 Timothy 3:14–15: “But as for you, continue in what you have learned . . . from childhood.” It was also the expectation of the Mosaic Law (Deut. 4:9).
Part of this training involves learning to obey from the heart (Deut. 6:6, 11:8; Prov. 4:23, 23:26). Children need to be trained for a life where they realize that not everything goes their way—a life where it’s not always explained why things aren’t fair. While facing this challenge, they need to be able to pursue good actions from their heart. This requires the child’s heart to develop the discipline to surrender control and submit themselves to your will, even when they don’t know why. This is based on knowing your love, and trusting the stable, consistent world you create as the parent. Therefore, you may at times explain why you are giving a command or not giving them their way, but do not make this explanation a requirement. They must learn to obey you based on trust in your character. This trust in you mimics the faith we have in our heavenly Father—we don’t always fully understand what he is doing in our lives, especially in pain, but we trust that he is always working for our good (Rom. 8:28–29; Heb 12:10).
My sons were M-I-T (Men in Training) from age two. “Growing up to be a Man” was the often-heard motto of little boys in our home. As M-I-Ts who would raise their own children one day, two-, three- and four-year-olds always carried in the groceries for mom. This took longer than mom bringing in the groceries herself, but it trained them to do good—which gave my M-I-T the reward of a great amount of dignity and joy. Watching a two-year-old puff out his chest with pride as he carries in a loaf of bread is a God-fashioned event, where they are modeling the Imago Dei. And W-I-T (Women in Training) should understand that they are being trained up as strong, productive Proverbs 31 women who provide good, structured warmth.
Proactive Self-Denial
Parenting is not just about instilling discipline and self-control in our children; we too must cultivate these attributes. Parenting is hard, and that’s where fathers and mothers need to walk in habitual, proactive self-denial (Titus 2:11–12). You can’t just be passive and think, “Oh, I won’t react to my child’s sin.” Passive “non-reaction” is to abrogate your responsibility and role as father to shape and build men and women from your sons and daughters. You must be self-sacrificing in an assertive and proactive way. Assertive self-sacrifice means you are on the clock all the time. This is the most important job God has given you, more important than the highest moments in your career (cf. 1 Tim. 3:5).
But one must also guard against being proactive to a fault. For fathers, there is a “push and pull” dynamic in training. While there’s an emotional pull to immediately help a child out of their emotional problem, successfully teaching self-control requires parents to push against that urge by creating a space where your children start to develop the emotional muscle to change their attitude. Consistently rescuing your little Men-in-Training or Women-in-Training is enabling weakness in the muscle of their will. So, for example, allowing them to miss out on something enjoyable because they’ve continued in a bad attitude teaches them that being miserable is just not worth it. This motivates them to exercise self-control and to enjoy the good that God created—both in their family and in life.
6. Trust God and Enjoy This Calling
Disobedient acts are wonderful training opportunities, so act in faith and don’t hang a cloud of darkness over you or your child. So often fathers put a “negative mental obligation” on themselves or their child when parenting, thinking, “I’m not a good father if I don’t make my son feel shame for a certain length of time.” Remember the basics: God does the training. He uses weak people to carry out the victory of the resurrection by His grace and Spirit. You are involved and responsible. However, it’s not about you; it’s about God and what He will do through a God-dependant weakness (cf. 2 Cor. 12:9).
Expect to Be ‘Off Course’ Regularly
In a sailboat, you are not able to travel in a straight line to your goal; you must tack back and forth. So, it is as a father—you must regularly look up, reassess, and renavigate to North. Don’t stress that you are off track; of course you are, you’re a sinner. Look up occasionally, see where North is, adjust.
Provide a Path of Structure for Mom and the Kids
Being a mother means being in the trenches almost every day. Your wife will get mentally and emotionally overwhelmed sometimes. Dad, you are the structure creator and maintainer in the home. When you see her slipping, you need to put the burden on your shoulders and move forward to either shore up, or in some cases, recreate the structure. When you do so, you ensure that your wife and your children see that there is something structured, safe, and hopeful to follow. This is trusting God in action.
Practical Tips for the Journey
Let kids be kids
Let boys be boys, and let girls roughhouse like boys as well! Children, especially boys, are meant to climb on things, and they are meant to take risks. Let them do that; have a few simple rules, and then they should know beyond that, they are good and free. Let them act like children who grew up on a farm, because that’s more of their God-given natural habitat than a fastidiously run suburban home.
Talk to them with adult intelligence
Even very young children are far smarter, far more intelligent than most people ever give them credit for. Show them dignity by talking to them like they’re adults, even when they’re very young—not necessarily discussing abstract theories but communicating with adult intelligence that acknowledges their inherent intelligence and capability.
Don’t make “No” your default
When my children were one, we didn’t child-proof anything (except where toxic cleaners were). So, there were many things that were ‘no touch.’ Yet, the default preference in them was ‘Sure!’ You see, while many things were no touch or off-limits, these were thought-through, purposeful decisions. So once those are set and trained, the world leans heavily toward ‘Yes!’
Pray and don’t be a ‘parenting method Nazi’
So often parents adopt a parenting system, turn off their brains, and become so hard-core that they lose the point and good of that parenting system. Don’t try to apply this, or any parenting method, so right that you don’t use common sense wisdom in applying it. Pray for wisdom often. Evaluate winning and losing by looking backwards to see how far, or not, you’ve come (when climbing a mountain, the peak always seems far away, but if you look backwards, you can truly evaluate how far you’ve come).
Conclusion
Fathers, play the long game. Consistently tie heartstrings and enforce the few, simple rules of your household. Consistency creates happy, confident, free, and mature kids. And yet, for all your best intentions, expect to be off course regularly. Expect your children to disobey and trust God in such a way that you don’t take your children’s sins personally. Rather, in faith, step forward in the act of fulfilling God’s calling by remembering these principles:
- 1. Tie Heart Strings: You need to regularly communicate love in a way that is meaningful to your children
- 2. Simple, Clear, and Few Boundaries: Beyond these, there is freedom.
- 3. Always Be Consistent: It must not be worth it for them to cross boundaries, even when you’re tired.
- 4. Treat Disobedience as a Training Opportunity, Not an Offense: Your child’s disobedience isn’t personal, nor about executing justice, but about training future men and women.
- 5. A Long-term Mindset: You are training MIT/WIT to be strong adults even at age two.
- 6. Trust God and Enjoy This Calling: The blood of Jesus has already redeemed your failures as a father, and leads you in God’s triumph in Christ, therefore you can start fresh every day, every hour, in this calling of training your kids to exercise dominion over this world, imitating the God in whose image they are made.
