Justin L. Miller. The Not So Loving Side of Gentle Parenting: A Biblical Plea to Parents. Conway, AR: Free Grace Press, 2025. 130 pp. $20.00.
The multitude of seemingly innovative parenting philosophies available to parents today is dizzying: helicopter parenting, free-range parenting, crunchy parenting, permissive parenting, respectful parenting, and even snowplow parenting! While you may not have heard of some (or any) of these parenting philosophies, each style has credentialed advocates producing books, podcasts, and innumerable blog posts dedicated to highlighting the value that their particular approach brings to parents and children. Though the above approaches differ in numerous ways, one thing each of them has in common is a reaction against the authoritarian, quick-to-discipline, “because I told you so” parenting style which has largely characterized the parenting of prior generations in the States. Each of the newer styles is attempting, in its own way, to navigate the difficulties of parenting without resorting to the more traditional, disciplinarian approach.
One paradigm of parenting, however, has increasingly marked how many Millennials (those born from 1981–1996) and Zoomers (or Gen Z, born from 1997 to 2012) have chosen to parent: Gentle Parenting. According to a study by Lurie Children’s Hospital, out of 1,000 Millennials age 28–43, 75% of respondents self-reported as practicing Gentle Parenting. In addition, TikTok, a platform especially influential on Gen Z, reportedly has over 2.5 billion views on videos with the hashtag #gentleparenting. Gentle Parenting is an increasingly popular parenting style, both inside and outside the church.
What, then, is Gentle Parenting? And what should Christian parents make of it? This is what Justin L. Miller addresses in his recent book The Not So Loving Side of Gentle Parenting: A Biblical Plea to Parents. Miller is the lead pastor of First Baptist Church Puxico in Puxico, Missouri, and he is also father to four children. I will proceed in this review of Miller’s work to summarize the central points of each chapter and offer my own analysis and reflection. The summary section will be longer than usual because it will be benefit readers to understand both what Gentle Parenting is and why it falls short of the Bible’s vision for parenting.
Summary
Miller structures his book into five short chapters with two helpful appendices. He starts in Chapter one by overviewing the importance of the family within the biblical narrative. Miller helpfully show how the Bible presents a positive vision for parenting, at the center of which is the aim to raise up godly children (Prov. 13:24; 22:6; 29:15, 17; 20:7; Mal. 2:15). This chapter helps the reader understand the stakes involved in the discussion about parenting styles for the future heath of the church and the welfare of society.
In chapter two Miller strives to define what Gentle Parenting is in the language of its advocates and to show how Gentle Parenting gets implemented in real-life situations. Miller pulls from a variety of sources within the Gentle Parenting movement to try to capture a working definition. According to several different proponents of Gentle Parenting cited in the book, it can be defined as follows:
Gentle parenting is a form of positive parenting that emphasizes understanding a child’s behavior through empathy and respect, giving choices versus commands, and responding in a way that considers a child’s intellectual and developmental level. . . . The goals of gentle parenting are to raise children who understand and can regulate their emotions, respect and have empathy for themselves and others, and have healthy and collaborative relationships. (32)
Gentle parenting is a means of parenting without shame, blame, or punishment. It is centered on partnership as both parents and children have a say in this collaborative style. Gentle parenting is as it sounds; it is a softer, gentler approach to parenting, and parents and caregivers that practice gentle parenting do so by guiding their children with consistent, compassionate boundaries—not a firm hand. (38)
Gentle parenting, also known as collaborative parenting, is a style of parenting where parents do not compel children to behave by means of punishment or control, but rather use connection, communication, and other democratic methods to make decisions together as a family. (38)
So, according to Gentle Parenting, parents are not so much authorities who give directives that children should submit to, but rather are partners who give options that children can consider. Parents do not command; they guide via democratic methods. Misbehavior in the child is not owning as much to the child’s own wrongdoing as to the parent’s lack of clear boundaries and up-front communication with the child. Punishment is not punitive but aims ultimately to help the child understand his or her emotional response to the external stress of a situation. The aims of Gentle Parenting center on raising children who are empathetic, self-aware, confident, and happy. Miller accurately captures what Gentle Parenting is, what it aims to achieve for children, and why it makes so much sense to twenty-first-century Westerners.
How does Gentle Parenting handle tantrums, emotional outbursts, and other difficult behaviors? Miller cites one representative quotation from Sarah Ockwell-Smith’s book Gentle Discipline:
You need to let your child release their big emotions, while also remaining a calm presence nearby. Tantrums can seem unbearable in the moment, but letting them run their course is critical for a young child’s development. As the adult, it is your job to keep their environment safe while letting them know you are there if they need you. Additionally, you should validate their feelings, naming them as we go. After the tantrum subsides you can use the experience as a teachable moment to discuss what caused it and to discuss possible solutions for the future (quoted on pages 41–42 in Miller’s The Not So Loving Side of Gentle Parenting).
So, as it pertains to challenging child behaviors, Gentle Parents let their child get their big emotions out. The tantrum is a communicative act by the child, and the parent should not interrupt. The parent’s role is simply to maintain a safe environment and afterwards to help the child understand what occurred—not to rebuke, correct, or punish the child for their behavior.
In chapter three, Miller moves from defining Gentle Parenting to critiquing it. He does so along three lines. First, he shows that Gentle Parenting redefines authority structures in the family and leads to a rejection of authority. According to Gentle Parenting, parenting is a democratic partnership between parent and child—a concept that has no precedent in scripture. So, things such as boundaries/rules and the consequences for transgressing them are both negotiable in Gentle Parenting between the parent and the child. Miller ably shows this concept runs counter to the Bible’s vision for authority structures within the home (Eph. 6:1–5; Col. 3:20–21; Heb. 12:7–11). Gentle Parenting simultaneously elevates the child to a place of decision-making above his station and relegates the parent from an authority to be obeyed to a collaborative partner who compassionately guides with democratic methods.
Second, Miller rightly argues that gentle parenting fails to identify the root of a child’s problem—the child’s sinful nature. In Gentle Parenting, the child’s greatest problem is a lack of self-understanding, self-confidence, and ability to self-regulate big emotions. Miller shows how clearly this falls short of the Bible’s assessment of the human condition (Gen. 6:5; Rom. 3:9–23). Gentle Parenting will ultimately provide superficial help to a child because it is working with a shallow diagnosis of the child’s fundamental problem.
Third, Miller shows how gentle parenting promotes a sub-biblical vision for life’s purpose. Simply put, Gentle Parenting wants to “help your children be happier, healthier, and more fully themselves” (59). In response, Miller perceptively states, “Notice what gentle parenting teaches children—that they exist to enjoy themselves and to magnify themselves, to be fulfilled in themselves. Self-actualization, fulfillment, and esteem are the goals of Gentle Parenting. Gentle Parenting makes Adam’s sin the aim of life” (60).
Chapter four is Miller’s attempt to summarize relevant features of a biblically prescribed approach to parenting, overviewing key passages from Deuteronomy, Proverbs, and the New Testament. He ends the chapter with helpful and concrete explanations of (1) how parents can point our children to the gospel while disciplining, and (2) how family worship can be implemented. The final chapter addresses reasons Scripture is a sufficient resource for our parenting. The book concludes with two helpful appendices, one overviewing the meaning of the phrase “the fear of the Lord” and another expanding upon his method for implementing family worship.
Commendations
There is much to appreciate about this book. I will highlight three things. First, Miller is the first that I am aware of to fill the gap of Christian print literature critiquing Gentle Parenting. For this, Christian parents should be grateful. Christian parents now have an accessible, concise book to recommend and give away to young parents who have questions about the Gentle Parenting philosophy they see extolled on TikTok. Pastors too will find this resource useful in pinpointing where young parents in their congregations might be tempted to capitulate to the worldly parenting philosophies of our day. To this end, church leaders will be helped by reading and recommending this book to others.
Second, Miller wrote this book with a practical focus. Readers will be helped to see what Gentle Parenting looks like related to tantrums and other difficult behaviors (42–46, 92). Parents who struggle to implement regular and instructive family worship will likewise be helped by Miller’s practical method and example (82–83, Appendix 1). Parents who struggle to know how to turn moments of discipline into opportunities to share the gospel with their children will be helped by Miller’s multi-page example from his own life (77–79). Parents who know what the Bible says but are reluctant to practice it themselves will be helped by Miller’s gentle but firm pastoral exhortations (92–96).
Third, Miller has persuasively shown that several core commitments of Gentle Parenting are in contradiction to the teachings of the Bible. Christians cannot buy into Gentle Parenting wholesale and remain faithful to the Bible’s teaching on parenting. The three critiques listed above from Chapter three in the book are a helpful criterion for evaluating any parenting method, not just Gentle Parenting. Does this practice/method work with the grain of the God-given authority structures in the home or against it? Does it help a child see his root problem or does it obscure the heart issues involved? Does it paint for the child a distinctly Christian vision of human flourishing or one that is more in step with the desires of Western culture? These are worthy questions for evaluating many aspects of our parenting, and Gentle Parenting largely fails in answering them.
As I read Miller’s book, I found myself continually calling to mind Carl Truman’s 2020 masterpiece The Rise and Triumph of the Modern Self: Cultural Amnesia, Expressive Individualism, and the Road to Sexual Revolution. Trueman’s thesis regarding the rise of “expressive individualism”—the unbiblical idea that the goal of life is to authentically express our innermost feelings and desires—is relevant to this analysis of Gentle Parenting. For it seems the Gentle Parenting approach is both the way expressive individualists would naturally parent as well as a parenting philosophy that is particularly well suited to produce a new generation of expressive individualists. As Miller puts it, “self-actualization, fulfillment, and esteem are the goals of Gentle Parenting” (60). Gentle Parenting is how expressive individualism manifests in raising children.
Difficulties
More could be said in appreciation of Miller’s work. However, I do want to note two difficulties with this book.
First, Miller’s actual critique-proper (chapter three) was too short. Only two of the five chapters in an already short book directly engage with Gentle Parenting. That is only 38 pages out of 82. The chapter where Miller actually lays out his critique of Gentle Parenting (chapter three) is a mere 17 pages. So, while I agree that his critiques capture real, foundational issues with Gentle Parenting, I was expecting a more substantial evaluation when I bought the book. I think the people I would want to recommend this book to would expect more as well.
Second, I do not think Miller gives a balanced assessment of Gentle Parenting. While I agree with each point of critique that Miller makes of Gentle Parenting in chapter three, I question whether Miller has succeeded in “critique[ing Gentle Parenting] fairly” (30). Miller selectively focuses on aspects of Gentle Parenting which are most contradictory with the Bible and passed over elements of it which are commendable. What could be commendable in it? I would suggest things such as proactively setting clear boundaries, allowing a certain amount of autonomy/choice within those boundaries, helping children learn to regulate their emotions, responding to children in developmentally appropriate ways, taking physiological factors (time of day, quality of nap, hunger level, tiredness) into consideration when considering how to handle discipline, and talking to your child at eye level when advantageous are all commendable practices that might also characterize faithfully biblical Christian parenting. However, one is hard pressed to find an example throughout the book where a specific emphasis or practice of Gentle Parenting is acknowledged as wise or helpful. This is unfortunate and did not need to be so. It minimizes the apologetic usefulness of the book for persuading those who do not already agree with Miller’s perspective.
Despite these two critiques, I remain appreciative of the service Miller has done for Christian parents. Those who are convinced that the Bible is a sufficient guide for faithful parenting but are not sure what to make of the philosophy of Gentle Parenting will be greatly helped by Miller’s book. The most deceptive philosophies of man contain a large amount of truth mixed with some significant error. The fact that there is so much truth in them is precisely what makes them all the more deceptive. This is how Satan operated in the garden, and this is likely why the Gentle Parenting approach has gained so much traction—even among Christian parents—today. Serious error that hides behind and among truth is still serious error. Miller understands this and would help us not “heed the hiss of the Serpent” today (62).
Conclusion
As I wrote this review, Gentle Parenting intersected my life in two unexpected ways. First, I had an extended discussion with a dear Christian friend who spouse is very sympathetic to the softer approach of Gentle Parenting and impressed with the research that allegedly supports it. Second, I received word that a church plant supported by a previous church I attended recently split over the issue of Gentle Parenting with one third of its members leaving. I raise these anecdotes from my life to show that this topic is a live issue for the church today. Miller’s The Not So Loving Side of Gentle Parenting is a welcome resource for parents and pastors wanting to increase their confidence in the sufficiency of the Bible to address real-life parenting needs. Christian parents who have the Bible alone have a sufficient resource to guide them in godly and effective parenting. Because Miller emphasizes this point throughout, the benefits of his book far outweigh the difficulties I have mentioned above. Ultimately, any reader of this book will be helped to see Christ as Lord and everything else—parenting philosophies included—under his feet.
