To many Christians, the Fifth Commandment seems like the least weighty and the most domestic of the Ten. Many of us have been told from a young age to “honor our father and our mother,” and most often from our parents themselves. The average person, let alone the average Christian, would say they intend to keep this command. Instinctively, we all know that we ought to keep it, but the moral weight of thinking ill of our parents doesn’t seem to hold a candle to abusing the name of the Almighty God or murdering our neighbor.

In contrast, the Scriptures show us that God views the relationship between a parent and child with profound, even startling gravity. The Ten Commandments prominently command us to honor father and mother, placing it as the first in the second table, and the rest of the Law only adds weight by giving severe punishments to children who grossly dishonor their parents.

For example, Moses wrote that if a man strikes another man and he is injured, but recovers, the man must compensate him for the loss of his time (Exod. 21:19). If the man dies, then the offender must also die (Exod. 21:12). But if a man strikes his father or mother, regardless of injury or circumstance, that man must be put to death (Exod. 21:15).

Only a small number of laws are given regarding cursing, including commands not to curse a ruler of the people (Exod. 22:28), the name of the Lord (Lev. 24:16), or the deaf (as an act of cruelty; Leviticus 19:14). In their respective texts, none of these commands are immediately attached to a punishment, and even in the case of blaspheming the name of the Lord, there was some deliberation before concluding that the offense deserves death.¹ However, the Law records twice that a child who curses their parents “shall surely be put to death.”²

In one of the more challenging texts regarding the behavior of a child towards their parents, it’s written in Deuteronomy that if a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey, though his parents discipline him faithfully, they ought to take that son before the elders to be stoned for his rebelliousness towards his parents.³

The True Measure of Our Fathers and Mothers

Lest we think the severity of these commands somehow doesn’t translate to the New Covenant, Paul is helpfully explicit in Romans 1:30–32. As he lists the evil actions of those who know God’s righteous decree yet do not obey it, he includes those who are “disobedient to parents” and states in his conclusion that for these sins they deserve to die.⁴

It’s true, the Old Covenant is obsolete with the dawning of the New Covenant age. But the command through Moses to honor one’s father and mother was rooted in creation realities. On the human level, our fathers and mothers are the source of our very life. This is why disobedience to parents makes so many sin-lists in the New Testament, lists that described those who will not inherit the kingdom of God.⁵ Thus, the absence of covenantal civil legislation requiring death does not relax the demand on us concerning our fathers and mothers. With the fullness of revelation that has come in Christ, we see the full stakes involved in this sin. At the same time, the new covenant brings new and fuller motivations and enablement for such obedience (Col. 3:20; Eph. 6:1–3).

Anyone who has lived long enough has witnessed children’s open defiance of their parents, with the frustration and hardship that follows. In situations that come to my own mind, I’m not sure that my conscience has ever led me to think that one of these children (full-grown adults or not) has ever deserved eternal damnation. It’s a very difficult thought, and to many of us it probably seems a bit extreme. But we can be sure that in God’s righteousness all his punishments perfectly fit their crimes, which only shows us that we don’t fully understand the crimes.⁶

What Honor Requires

When Paul instructed children, he kept it simple. To the children at Colossae, “Children, obey your parents in everything” (Col. 3:20). Or, to the young people at Ephesus: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’” (Eph. 6:1–2). He took up the language of obedience in Spirit-inspired application of the ancient command to the child’s immature and dependent station.⁷ When he wrote, “for this is right,” Paul grounded his command in the grain of the world. He appealed to an ontological absolute even children could perceive. “As all kids know, it’s the right thing to do,” in other words. But while children honor their parents with “obedience” in their younger years, the command to honor our parents continues even as its entailments change.⁸ For adult children, honor is due to our parents in how we speak to them and about them. As our parents age, honor expresses itself in the help we extend as their minds and bodies slow down and eventually fail. What exactly that may require of adult children requires wisdom.

The throughline across changing seasons is something deeper than an inward disposition of gratitude or good thoughts. The Fifth Commandment calls us to esteem and revere our parents unconditionally. It’s a high call, and for many Christians, the issue at hand is not an unwillingness to honor our parents but a lack of understanding as to why they deserve to be honored.

Honor Your Father, Even When He’s Drunk?

In our evil age, it has become a thing to go “no contact” with one’s parents. Deeply selfish leftist ideologies have taught children to run away from “toxic” family members and to get rid of any relationship that isn’t providing them immediate personal benefit. Like the prodigal who took his inheritance and ran away to squander it, many children are taking (often demanding) what they can get and cutting their parents off––unaware and disinterested in giving anything back, let alone honor.

The danger of our age is not just the individualism and selfishness which are rotting American families from the inside it’s also an increasing ignorance of God’s design for children and parents. God has commanded everyone to honor their parents, but could it be that many of us don’t honor them because we don’t understand why they deserve our honor? Today more than ever, we need to recover a proper understanding of the relationship that God designed between a child and their parents. For only when we understand this relationship rightly will we honor our parents as we ought to and teach and exhort our children to do the same.

First, we need to wrestle down exactly what it means to show someone honor. In Romans 13:7, Paul commands Christians to “pay to all what is owed to them: taxes to whom taxes are owed , , , honor to whom honor is owed.”⁹ Did Caesar earn this honor by his good governance? Or was it due to him by his God-appointed station?

Honor is not something we simply give away out of kindness. We typically think of honor as something people must earn, and once earned, we would be wrong to withhold it. In some cases, it is true. Not everyone deserves honor, and not all honorable people deserve the same degree of honor. We often honor people on some basis, whether that’s an accomplishment, an act of service or sacrifice, or because they are in a position of authority and responsibility. To show honor to someone who has not earned it in these cases is to flatter them, which is both unfitting and unjust.

This applies to parents for obvious reasons. When we consider the basis on which our parents deserve our honor, what first comes to mind is the immense sacrifice that they’ve made in raising us as their children. By God’s design, parents are responsible to love, nurture, and provide for their children through great efforts and sacrifice. Parenting is hard, and raising a sinful child (no matter how wonderful) always requires sacrifice. It is the call of all parents to sacrifice for their children and to serve as the benefactors of their children, and it’s the Lord’s command to all children, as the beneficiaries, to obey their parents, and to give honor where it is due and esteem their parents in heart, word, and deed.

But such hard work and sacrifice is not the ultimate ground of the honor they are due. Thinking our parents deserve our honor based on their parenting alone runs into problems when we consider that some parents are much, much better than others. The Fifth Commandment is given without exception, but it doesn’t seem like abusive parents and absent parents really deserve to be honored for much at all. Some parents are actually a burden and a hardship to their children. Do those who don’t behave honorably still deserve to be honored? The problem with this way of thinking is that it judges whether or not a parent is worthy of honor based on their performance as a parent, rather than their status as a parent.

Consider for a moment the story of Ham’s sin in Genesis 9. The reality is that Noah, in his drunkenness, was not behaving honorably. Had there been a bystander who saw him in his foolishness, he wouldn’t have deserved honor, and he wouldn’t have received any. But when Ham saw his father in his nakedness, he had an obligation to treat him with honor and dignity, which he did not fulfill. Ham sinned against his father because he did not show him the honor that a father deserves, as his brothers did when they covered Noah. In an age of victimization, children from even arguably good homes may persist into adulthood airing their parents’ dirty laundry in a lifetime quest to vindicate themselves against their mother and father’s apparent flaws. Selective memories serve storylines in which the now adult child is both the victim and hero of his own story. If what he received in his childhood is “what’s wrong with the church today,” then he’s the savior of the church or even the world, so far as he is concerned. To tell of his parents’ failures is essential to his self-righteous quest. Ham’s story teaches us that our parents deserve honor because they are our parents even when they fail us.

In another familiar story, David approached Saul, who had fallen asleep in his army’s encampment, and had the perfect opportunity to kill him. Abishai, one of David’s fellow soldiers, asked to “pin him to the earth with one stroke of the spear,” but David stopped him, saying, “Do not destroy him, for who can put out his hand against the LORD’s anointed and be guiltless?”¹⁰ Recognizing that God had placed Saul in a position of authority and honor, David refused to kill Saul, even though Saul had not been faithful to fulfill the position the Lord gave him.¹¹

Finally, when Paul gave his defense before the Jewish Council, and Ananias commanded one of the guards to strike him, Paul spoke out against Ananias and cursed him.¹² But upon learning that Ananias was high priest he withdrew his curse and cited Exodus 22:28, “that you shall not curse a ruler of your people.”

What Noah, Saul, and Ananias all have in common is that they deserve honor based on their office, not the basis of their performance in that office. The positions themselves, parent, priest, and king, are deserving of honor because they’re positions of service, sacrifice, responsibility, and authority. In each case, God selected those who hold the office and has given them authority to fulfill the unique responsibilities entrusted to them.

13. Read Kyle Claunch’s article for a fuller treatment of the subject: “God the Father: Namesake of All Fatherhood” Christ Over All, June 25, 2025.

Parents, like other authorities placed by God, have been given an office that comes with responsibility and power to serve their children, who are subject to their office and deserve to be honored based on their God-given position regardless of performance. But, unlike the relationships between kings and their subjects or priests and their people, the basis of a parent’s relationship to their children is not their office as a ruler or an intermediary, but their identity as the sub-creators of their children.

14. In Gen. 5:1–3 the Scriptures intentionally parallel Adam as God’s creation, created in his own likeness, with Seth, the ‘creation’ of Adam, who was created by the will of his father and in his father’s likeness.

The Lesson Parents Teach whether They Know it or Not

15. So, what about adoption? First, we should note that God’s design for mankind was finished in Eden, and it was very good, and didn’t include adoption. It was God’s intent that every child would come into the world to be met instantly by their earthly creators, and that we would be raised by those whose image we bear, who love us as they love themselves. Adoption wasn’t part of this picture because adoption is an act of profound grace; grace which never would have been necessary if not for the curse of sin and death. Just as no man would need to be adopted into the family of God if not for our banishment from the Garden, so no child would ever need to be adopted if not for the reality of sin and death which has dominated the world since we left the Garden. But that does not mean that our adopted parents are worthy of any less honor, simply because an adopted child does not share the image of their adopted parents. Just as the adopted sons of God rightly call God their Father and have received all the rights of his true Son, so adopted fathers receive all the rights, and honor, of a biological father. The difference is that children of biological parents owe those parents honor based on an ontological reality, whereas the children of adopted parents choose to give their parents the same honor just as the adoptive parents choose to give their adoptive children all the same rights as a biological child. From the parent to the child, it is an act of grace, and from the child to the parent it is giving honor where it is due. The adopted child could unjustly withhold honor from their parents, but the same is true of the biological child.

Just as all God’s creation proclaims who he is, there are elements of creation that reveal a particular aspect of him by projecting something that is proper in God analogously onto creation.¹³ In the very design of humanity, as sexually reproductive beings, parents function as the creators of their children, who bring them about through their own will and form them in their own likeness.¹⁴ Our biological children are drawn from our own flesh and blood and receive all of their genetic material from us, which we received from our parents. Every man and woman since Adam and Eve has received their features, traits, and characteristics directly from the parents from whom they descend. Therefore, the individual people that we are, and even our existence itself, is ontologically contingent upon our parents. Our relationship with our biological parents is fixed in flesh and blood, and we have always been on the receiving end of it, having no power, influence, or contribution in coming into it. Just as God is the Creator of us all and has brought us into existence for his own purposes and his own pleasure, he has used our parents as the means by which he has created us and, in doing so, has passed onto us both his image and theirs.

So, as we consider what it means to fulfill the Fifth Commandment by showing our parents unconditional honor, remember that God has not only called them to an office of great authority over you, but given them a role in your creation that mirrors his own.¹⁵ When we hear it that way, it becomes easier to understand why dishonoring our parents is a grave sin, even worthy of death. This lesson is plain in the very structure of God’s creation of the family, whether mom and dad mean to teach it or not (Ro. 1:18–22, 29–32).

From the Household to Civilization: Six Reflections

Seeing more clearly who our parents are in relation to us shapes how we understand and keep the Fifth Commandment because it solidifies the basis on which we obey it in our own hearts. We are not keeping God’s commands if we treat our parents honorably but harbor disdain for them in our hearts. Instead, we must foster a heart that truly honors our parents, even if our parents behave dishonorably, by meditating on the realities that help us see that God has placed our parents in a position that deserves our honor. To that end, we offer six reflections on how we can more faithfully keep the Fifth Commandment:

First, parents, cultivate homes that cherish a patrimony.

The Ten Commandments weren’t given to children but to adults. As it has been said, this is not children’s church in the middle of the Ten Commandments.¹⁶ This insight into the first audience is instructive: parents must take responsibility for cultivating a household where parenthood and the parents themselves are honored. The world is failing at this for an obvious reason: the word is failing to honor God as God (Rom. 1:21). But, by teaching our children about the men and women from whom they descend, we strengthen their sense of familial identity and demonstrate for them what it means to honor our parents. Even more importantly, teaching our children about the generations that have come before them helps them see God’s providence as his faithfulness extends through generations to their very lives (Ps 78:1-8). Parents, let us impart a transgenerational vision to our children. The rest of these six reflections are for all of us as children and many of us as parents.

Second, honor your parents with your own life.

Just as God is honored when we live righteous lives, so the “father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him.”¹⁷ Children are the heritage of their parents and the glory of their parents (Ps. 127:3–5), and we should all gladly embrace that we are God’s grace to them. As God pours out his favor on us, and we grow and prosper, we should not live as though we deserve the credit for all our success. Instead, in the same way that we acknowledge God in all that we do, so we should gladly give honor to our parents, knowing that our glory is their glory. In word and deed, in private and in public, in our youth and adulthood, when our parents are in their prime and when they’re old, let us honor our parents with our lives.

Third, honor your parents unconditionally, because they are your parents unconditionally.

Focusing on the reality that our relationship to our parents is ontological, not circumstantial, helps us remember that our parents deserve honor based on who they are in relation to us and not what they provide for us. At some point, our parents will no longer provide us with any earthly benefit. Instead, they will grow old and helpless, and it will be our turn to provide for them. In every season of life, no matter what our parents are like, they deserve our honor, help, and love. To turn away from them is to forsake our heritage, and to deny the person that God has made us to be.¹⁸

Fourth, honor your parents by withholding your judgment.

It can seem unjust to overlook legitimate offenses in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean children are responsible to hold their parents accountable for their failures.¹⁹ As children, our love for our parents ought to override our sense of justice towards them, and we should always be glad to see the best in them and to honor them, because their honor is our own.²⁰ By recognizing their godliness, overlooking offenses, and trusting God to bring about justice against their sinfulness, we honor our parents, honor ourselves, and honor the God who judges everyone. Though unnatural to children especially in their youth, Paul assumes this gracious posture in his instruction to Timothy, “Do not rebuke an older man but encourage him as you would a father (1Tim. 5:1–2, emphasis mine).

Fifth, honor fathers and mothers differently.

In an age that teaches the interchangeability of fathers and mothers, and therefore the dispensability of both, the Christian home works on a different operating system. From the first moment that a baby is born to new parents, until the last child leaves the home, a father and mother both play vital, but fundamentally different roles, and each parent is profoundly deserving of honor, but according to their respective roles. Mothers give their children life through their own bodies and nurse them into strength while they are infants. All mothers have the unique role of caring for and nurturing their children in an intimate and visceral way.

Men who are called to be fathers are also called to be husbands, and in their role serve as the head of their households (Eph. 5:23, 1 Cor 11:3). In the same way that God gives greater physical strength to a man than his wife and children, so a husband and father is given authority over his wife and children. He’s called to use his “strength” for their good by protecting and leading his family with his own life––including protection from and leadership through sin and falsehood (Eph 5:25-28). As it is well captured in the phrase “wait till your father comes home,” the authority of fathers calls them to serve as the highest judge in their households. A father’s praise, condemnation, and discipline are vital for the flourishing of his children, and so Paul exhorts fathers directly, telling them, “do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). A father has a special influence for good or ill. Like slaves and their masters, both children and their fathers are to go about their responsibilities before the Lord.

Sixth, promote the honoring of fathers and mothers everywhere, and especially in your community and nation.

The Fifth Commandment is a command we need to hear loudly today. It fits at the head of the second table because it’s instructive for every man and woman who has ever lived, and when kept, its effects extend to every corner of society. Unlike the modern West, which has aggressively removed all interpersonal attachments in the interest of emphasizing individual rights, honoring our parents thickens and enriches the fabric of society by strengthening the family unit as its foundational building block. The principle of honoring our parents and living honorably for our children teaches us to stick together, care for the elderly, look to the wisdom of the past, save for the next generation, and maintain meaningful multi-generational identities. And, by more fully understanding and experiencing all that God intended in humanity, which has been crafted as an analogical reflection of himself, we more fully understand the ultimate reality that God is that Father of all, who deserves to be honored by everyone, and that through his Son we have become sons to the honor and glory of his name (Gal. 4:4–7).

Our opportunity to promote proper family relations begins in our own homes, streets, and churches. But up to the very limit of our possibilities, including political possibilities, we ought to advance laws, institutions, customs, and cultural mores that center and secure the family. Alternatively, we must oppose visions and laws and mores hostile to nature, that break the link between sex and marriage and parenthood. Such a civilization will support governing authorities who respect the pre-political reality of the natural family and promote the responsibility of parents for their children, even their authority over them. The state has a proper interest in protecting children, but its responsibility to promote good and punish evil must be aligned with what is truly good and truly evil.

Son of a Drunk? Look to the Quarry from Which You Were Dug

Everyone’s parents are sinners, but have your parents sinned against you in egregious ways? What should you do?

Honor your father and mother, but “look to the rock from which you were hewn, and to the quarry from which you were dug” (Isa. 51:1). This quarry is not your earthly line. You have been hewn from the rock that is “Abraham your father and Sarah who bore you” (51:1). Which means your earthly lineage is not determinative; God’s grace is. If you are in Christ, you are part of a great family that goes back to Abraham as your father.

As Isaiah 51 says, this is the family that God is multiplying in the world and blessing the world through (51:2). Through this family our Lord is making the wilderness like Eden, deserts a place of rejoicing and song (51:3). That includes the desert of our own lives, brought on by our own participation in Adam but also that of our earthly fathers. The God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ is your Father in heaven, and he does not leave us, forsake us, or let us down. The church is your truer and truest family. This is your heritage.

Good News for Disobedient Children

It’s true, the fullness of revelation in Christ teaches us the higher stakes involved in how we honor our parents. To dishonor and disobey our parents is a sin worthy of eternal damnation. What hope is there for rebellious children?

The prodigal son returned to open arms and much feasting (Lk. 15). The one who gave us that story taught us to pray, “Father, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us” (Lk. 11:2–4). To all of us who have dishonored our parents, which is indeed all of us, Scripture says, “And such were some of you. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God” (1 Cor. 6:11).

The Lord Jesus honored his earthly parents, tempted as we were to dishonor them yet without sin (Heb. 4:15). Today, his blood brings both forgiveness for our such sins and transformation from their enslaving power. Having come to Christ, we come to honor our father and mother truly and from the heart.

Good fathers know how to motivate their children: with rewards of great approval and great profit. God is one such father.

“Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord”
—Colossians 3:20, emphasis added

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”
—Ephesians 6:1–3

With highlighter in hand, Paul makes God’s promises jump off the page and into our homes, holding out rewards that move with the grain of life and the grace of redemption.

New covenant believers are not among the Exodus generation making their way to the land of Canaan. Paul is not so ignorant and neither were his original readers. He makes a promise based on the general principle that the grain of life is to honor our parents and that such obedience leads quite naturally to blessing in this life; such faith-filled obedience to life eternal.

What of children who don’t believe? How are they to obey their parents “in the Lord”?

By coming to Christ in faith and honoring their parents in his name. For them, the call to honor father and mother is an evangelistic call to believe, receive eternal life, and honor their parents from the heart.

Honoring our parents is that important.