“He asked me for your phone number today. Just a heads up. I’ll call you later.”
That was the text I received from my eldest daughter, who was 400 miles away at college. She had already told my wife and me all about this young man—an intelligent and kind seminary student and member of her church. They had gotten to know each other through Bible study and quickly developed mutual interest. As their friendship progressed, our daughter informed me that he would be calling to ask my permission to date her.
I liked the concept but wasn’t expecting it. I needed a plan.
In my nineteen years as a father, I had precisely zero experience with dating. My wife and I had been intentional in conversations with our five children from a young age. One recurring theme was dating: “The primary purpose of dating is to determine compatibility for marriage, so dating doesn’t make sense until you are in a phase of life (or close to it) where marriage makes sense.”
Our eldest daughter had clearly embraced that idea. When she was in second grade, she once came home and told us about a boy who confessed that he had a crush on her. She responded, “It isn’t appropriate for children our age to have crushes on people.” He disagreed, “Yes, it is!” She doubled down, “No, it is not!” He gave up, “I don’t like you anymore.”
More than a decade later, that little girl was now a young woman who was ready to consider marriage. And I had to be ready to support her.
I later learned that it had always been my daughter’s expectation that any young man who wanted to date her would first need my permission. While I couldn’t recall ever explicitly stating that, it made perfect sense. God had entrusted me with her protection and care, so naturally, she rightly assumed I would be purposefully engaged. She wanted my help in navigating one of the most significant decisions of her life. I am thankful for a daughter who assumes the best of me even as I so imperfectly love and care for her.
I was looking forward to speaking with the young man, but what would I say to him? I knew that if I didn’t have a plan, my tendency would be to follow the conversation wherever it might lead. While that would be enjoyable, in order to serve my daughter well, I needed the conversation to be purposeful.
And so, appealing to God for wisdom, I sat down with my Bible and my laptop and began to consider how I might get to know this young man who wanted to date my daughter. I needed to think of questions that would draw out information to allow me to get to know who he was and what he believed. I decided to focus the conversation on his relationship with God, his interest and purpose in dating my daughter, and his understanding of the marriage relationship. I also decided to ask him to make some commitments to me as he sought to earn my daughter’s respect and affection. I ended up with around five spiritual questions, six relational questions, and four commitments. Each of these is purposefully aimed at getting to know him in his personal life, his spiritual state, and his intentions and perspective in dating my daughter. These questions have since solidified as I’ve walked my younger daughters through the dating process, discipled other young men, and advised other dads in my church on getting to know young men who want to date their daughters. I provide the outline below as a resource for other fathers facing this conversation, and even for motivated would-be boyfriends to know what a prospective Christian father-in-law may want to know.
Five Spiritual Questions
My first set of questions was aimed at getting to know the spiritual state of the man who could one day be shepherding my daughter. This is what I asked him:
- “Please tell me your testimony.”
Purpose: To ensure he has a right understanding of the gospel.
- “What is one thing the Lord has been teaching you recently?”
Purpose: To determine if he is sensitive to sin in his life and if he depends on the Lord as he strives for holiness.
- “Tell me one of your favorite passages of Scripture and why you like it.”
Purpose: To gauge his familiarity with God’s word and to know if he prioritizes scripture memorization.
- “How did you select your current church, and which three characteristics of the church are most important to you?”
Purpose: To understand how he makes important decisions and determine if his priorities are inward or outward focused.
- “What do you see as the role of the husband in a marriage? What do you see as the role of the wife in a marriage?”
Purpose: To know his position on gender roles in the marriage relationship.
Six Relational Questions
As important as the spiritual questions were, I also wanted to know why he desired to date my daughter and how he would approach a relationship with her. Here is how I approached that conversation:
- “What is your purpose in dating my daughter?”
Purpose: To determine his view of the dating relationship.
- “What are the main qualities that attract you to her?”
Purpose: To understand the value he assigns to my daughter and how well he knows her.
- “How long do you think two people should date before getting married?”
Purpose: To evaluate whether he has a thoughtful plan.
- “Tell me about your parents’ marriage. What have they modeled well? What would you want to do differently?”
Purpose: To understand the example that has been set for him and his understanding of healthy marriage dynamics.
- “Are you personally ready to get married—spiritually, financially, emotionally? Why or why not?”
Purpose: To assess maturity and self-awareness.
- “What physical boundaries, both personally and in the dating relationship, will you set to safeguard sexual purity?”
Purpose: To confirm that he is committed to fighting for purity, honoring my daughter, and leading her well in the dating relationship.
Four Key Commitments
After getting to know the young man but before giving my blessing, I asked him to affirm four key commitments:
- “In your dating relationship will you commit to engaging my daughter with respect and honor, viewing her as a sister in Christ?” (1 Tim. 5:2)
- “While you are engaging the affections of my daughter, for whom I am charged with spiritual and physical protection and provision, do you commit to pursuing sexual purity, both physically and in your heart?” (Matt. 5:28, Titus 2:11–12) This includes a commitment to having an accountability partner (ideally someone with authority in your life) with whom you share your sin struggles and receive spiritual encouragement.
- “If at any point you no longer see my daughter as a likely spouse, do you commit to informing her with gentle honesty and breaking off the relationship?”
- “Early into dating, will you commit to confessing past and/or current sexual sin (generalized, no graphic details) to my daughter so that it can be known and worked through sooner than later? This should include physical intimacy in previous relationships, lust in your heart, and use of pornography.”[1]
1. If I was asked to expand on this particular commitment, I would give the following clarification: Confession should include the timeframe of past sin and be done in general terms (no explicit details). For past sin, it would include how the Lord brought him out of the sin and what protections he has put in place to prevent recurrence. For current sin, this would include what protections he has put in place as he battles with the sin. And depending on the circumstances, the young man may seek wisdom from or even include a church elder or counselor in the confession conversation to help ensure that the information shared is at an appropriate level of disclosure. One of the best books dealing with sexual sin that I am aware of is Heath Lambert, Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace (Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan, 2013).
From Suitor to Son-in-Law
I saved the outline on my phone and waited for the call. When it came, I was able to pull up the questions and work through them, ensuring that our conversation was purposeful. His answers to my questions were genuine, thoughtful, and in alignment with biblical truth. After he made the commitments that I requested of him, I gave him my blessing to pursue my daughter, and we concluded in prayer. The conversation went beautifully and gave me confidence in the young man’s spiritual maturity, his knowledge of my daughter, and his intentions toward her.
Of course, this was only the beginning, over the coming months, my wife and I made a point of getting to know our daughter’s suitor and providing support to our daughter as she worked through certainty and doubt, confidence and fear, and other highs and lows that can be expected as two people work to determine their suitability as prospective husband and wife. As we witnessed their interactions and heard from our daughter about how this man was leading and caring for her well in their dating relationship, we grew in confidence that if they were to marry, he would lead and love her well.
And so, when he came seeking my blessing once again, this time to pursue my daughter’s hand in marriage, I could answer without hesitation. After our discussion, I wrote him the following note:
I want to reiterate my enthusiastic blessing for you to pursue [my daughter’s] hand in marriage. This is not a blessing that I give lightly, but to you, it is a blessing that I give easily.
In our first conversation, when you sought my permission to pursue [her] affections through dating, you answered my questions thoroughly and did so through the lens of scripture. You set the bar high for any future prospective courters of Philip maidens. I have since come to know you as a man who is scripture-filled, which makes you a true light-giver just like your gospel-authoring namesake. I have only known you for 6 months, and I already trust you completely. While much of that is an extension of my trust in our sovereign God, I am convinced that you have been and will continue to be faithful to the Lord and to my daughter . . .
For many years, God has entrusted me with protecting and providing, both spiritually and physically, for my beloved first-born. When I think about giving [her] away in marriage, it is the role of protector and provider that will be the hardest for me to give up . . . Over the past several months, [my daughter] has shared with me many ways that God has used you to encourage her in her faith. Hearing of your biblical advice, gentle correction, and proclivity for prayer, has given me assurance that I can trust you to protect and provide for her well.
I am thankful that God brought the two of you together. And I look forward to watching His plans unfold in and through your life together. Love her well.
And so, on the day of their wedding, in my final act as her primary provider and protector, I gave my daughter away. It was a moment that I had considered many times through the years, times that were typically accompanied by tears of sadness, but by the grace of God, when it came time to place her hand in his, I was able to do so with confidence. Sure, there may have been some tears—okay, there were definitely tears— but I was happy. I love my daughter, and I had come to know and love this man. I had confidence that they were evenly yoked and would labor well together in service of our great God.
Conclusion: A Call for Intentional Leadership
Fathers, if you are not already doing so, I urge you to have intentional conversations with your children. Talk to them about the importance of being discerning and purposeful when considering whom to marry. Encourage your daughter to set an expectation that any guy who wants to date her must first seek permission from you. Explain how this requirement would demonstrate to the young man how much she is valued and loved by her father. Help her to see how it would communicate a standard of intentional care, love, and respect for her that he would be expected to continue.
As you may have guessed, the pre-dating interview has become an expectation in our family; one that our daughters have embraced. I have had two more of these conversations with young men seeking to pursue my next two daughters, and they were each unique. The circumstances and details differ, but the benefit of the conversation is the same.
As husbands and fathers, we are called to shepherd our families—to lead and protect them, both physically and spiritually. While methods may vary, the best fathers I know have something in common: they are intentional. They live and lead with purpose.
If we are to serve our families well, we must be purposeful men, striving to live wisely and make the best use of our time (Eph. 5:15–16). This calling can feel overwhelming, but we do not walk alone. We are yoked with Christ (Matt. 11:28–30) and members of His body. We have Christ and we have His Church. If you want to be a purposeful father, ask God for wisdom, search scripture, and seek counsel from men in your church who have demonstrated intentional fatherhood. Let’s be purposeful, brothers, and trust God knowing that “The heart of man plans his way, but the LORD establishes his steps.” (Prov. 16:9). We will do this imperfectly, and so we cling to the knowledge that our God is faithful, even when we are not.
