When a couple in my church got the keys to their new home, they walked in the front door to find some surprises. Among other oddities, they found an attic filled with brooms—new, unused brooms. A large shed out back was built, it seems, to hold barrel after barrel of dead fluorescent bulbs. The home was previously occupied by hoarders. This couple came into the house through foreclosure.
Sometimes we over-value that which is of very little value. But we can also undervalue that which is precious.
So it is with marriage.
And just as the hoarder in that home, we get used to it.
Just Add Water, Then Stir
The book of Hebrews is a sermon, a “word of exhortation” (Heb 13:22).[1] But it doesn’t sound like one to modern ears. It’s light on application. Or is it?
1. The only other instance the Greek words behind this phrase are used is in Acts 13:15 when Paul is about to preach a sermon in a synagogue.
Sometimes less is more. Consider this brief twofold command: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb. 13:4).
Like a seed that expands and grows into a great tree with time and water, this command doesn’t yield its fruit all at once. It requires us to ponder its implications, to pick up where the author left off. That’s what the author expected of his readers when he wrote, “let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works” (Heb. 10:24). He did not say merely “stir up one another” (even though for simplicity’s sake I used this phrase for my title), but “let us consider how to stir up one another . . .” Application—its the job of every sermon hearer. It takes time. It takes consideration.
In this article we consider how to stir one another up to love and good works with respect to marriage.[2] For Christians in the first century, marriage was a primary arena for the life of faith as well as a target for temptation to drift, to fall away. In this we are not alone.
2. This article is adapted from a sermon titled, “Marriage, Money, and What Man Can’t Do to Us” from Hebrews 13:4–6 delivered on May 28, 2023 at Heritage Bible Church, Greer, South Carolina.
We’ll take this in two parts, one part for each side of this verse on marriage. Every couple has two jobs—to prize and protect.
Job #1: Prize the Institution of Marriage
The command in Hebrews 13:4 to hold marriage “in honor among all” speaks to the public nature of marriage. The author does not write about your marriage or about marriages. He writes about marriage. The word “honor” indicates that marriage is a treasure, something highly valued, something precious.
How might we stir up one another to love and good marriages? Here’s a place to start: by speaking to one another about marriage’s true worth.
Marriage is represented in the shimmers of a precious diamond on a bride’s finger. Here are five facets about marriage for our thoughts and conversations.
- First, marriage is made by God.
Contrary to what my high school sociology teacher taught our class back in the nineties, marriage is not socially constructed. It may be something we corrupt. In fact, the corruption of marriage is an early mark of sin’s corruption of the world (Gen. 4:19). But it is not something we made up or remake to our liking. The all-wise and generous God made marriage for his liking.
- Second, marriage makes life better.
It was not good for man to be alone (Gen. 2:18). Adam had the whole world, the tree of life, and even God himself—but it was still “not good” enough. In marriage, Adam found companionship, someone from him and for him. Someone like him yet, in all the right ways, unlike him. At last, he had just what he was missing and just what he needed!
- Third, marriage makes life.
The man found more than a companion in the woman. In his wife, Adam received an essential partner in the wonderful work of fruit-bearing and multiplication. The woman came from the man. But every man and woman since came from the woman—thus Adam named his wife Eve, “mother of all living” (Gen. 3:20). God could have caused people to multiply like amoebas or dandelions. But he created the marvelous and mysterious mechanism of new life to come through the mingling of lovers in marriage.
- Fourth, marriage makes sense.
As an institution created by God, marriage fits the created world we inhabit. If someone uses a spoon as an umbrella, eats napkins, or used a fork as a writing tool, we would rightly say that this makes no sense. When we make use of an instrument outside of its created purpose, we go against the grain of creation. So too marriage has a certain shape, two opposite parts that fit together: a man and a woman—and no more. These two notes create a harmony, one biological whole. Man and woman quite literally fit one another.
But marriage also fits in another way. If humans have rights owed to them by anyone, children have a right to be nurtured and protected and provided for by the mother and father who made them. We hold marriage in honor because marriage holds men to their wives and children to their parents. We hold marriage in honor by recognizing the invalidity of every so-called marriage that goes outside of God’s created purpose of one biological man joining with one biological woman.
- Fifth, marriages are made in public.
Let marriage be held in honor among all. It’s an easy word to miss, “all.” But that’s what he says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all.” This doesn’t mean that every marriage must be known by every person. But it does mean that every marriage is a public relationship, and that the public owes marriage a certain honor. In particular focus here is the church to whom the author of Hebrews writes. It is in the church that we should find marriage honored for all that it is.
These five truths help each spouse to do their first job: to prize their marriage. And if the first part of the author’s instruction highlights the public nature of marriage, then the second part touches on the most private aspect of marriage.
Job #2: Protect the Intimacy of the Marriage Bed
To prize marriage is to protect it from harm. Make no mistake, the marriage bed is in harm’s way. As it was for the first readers of the letter of Hebrews. This most intimate and powerful dimension of marriage is also its most vulnerable.
There are more graphic ways the writer could have said “let the marriage bed be undefiled.” But we know what he’s talking about, and he knows that we know what he’s talking about.
So, how can we stir up one another to protect the marriage bed from defilement? Here are five ways. I’ll use the metaphor of the marriage bed to speak in ways that are clear for those with ears to hear.
- First, look forward to bed.
The marriage bed is good. It is a sign of the times that many in our culture want to make the public truth of marriage a matter of private opinion (“you may believe marriage is between a man and a woman, but that’s your opinion.”), and to make the private intimacy that belongs to marriage a matter of public consumption (Playboy magazine, internet pornography, onlyfans, etc.). Considering this, we have a tendency either to downplay sex or demonize it. But sex is not a sin even if we can sin with it in many ways. The language of defilement—“let the marriage bed be undefiled”—comes to us from the tabernacle and the temple. Sex in marriage is not a sin just as the priest’s work before God was not a sin. It is intended to be joyful and sweet. It can be corrupted, yes. But it must not be cancelled. Sex is at home in the marriage bed. Look forward to it.
- Second, go to bed together.
Sleep together. Literally and figuratively and regularly. Sleep in the same bed. In no place in our lives are we more vulnerable. We literally go to sleep, rendered unconscious for some six to eight hours of every day of our lives. Sharing a bed requires almost unlimited trust, a trust wholly appropriate to the marriage covenant. But of course, more is meant here. A husband and wife share not only a bed but their bodies (1 Cor. 7:3). This is God’s gift for our mutual delight. At the same time, regularly “sleeping together” guards and strengthens the couple from the defilements of finding marriage bed delights outside of the bed. Which leads to the next point.
- Third, keep others out of your bed.
Sleep with your husband or wife and with no one else—physically but also emotionally and in your thought life. Which means no flirting with others, lingering in intimate conversation, or pondering life sharing a bed with another. This doesn’t mean avoiding the opposite sex; there’s a place for proper brother and sister relationships in the church. We must not fear proper affection between family members or church family members. But brothers and sisters treat each other “in all purity” (1 Tim. 5:2), and they do not share a bed.
- Fourth, make your bed.
My wife typically makes the bed. No, my wife always makes the bed. It’s something she loves to do. Yet both of us are responsible to make the marriage bed warm and inviting. This means guarding not only against sexual temptation, but bitterness, thanklessness, and even busyness. Children come from the marriage bed . . . and they also complicate it. More children means less time and more exhaustion. If a couple is not careful, the time they do have can be wholly given to talking about the kids. All this means that the marriage bed requires great care—to be present with one another physically and emotionally. I once heard a pastor say “does your wife feel more like a mother or a wife in your home?”[3] This is why you make your bed.
3. I do not recall where the pastor said this. I follow the example of Hebrews 2:6 and 4:4 (though the author of Hebrews cited Scripture this way to preserve the oral effect of the sermon and not because, like me, he did not recall where he got the material)!
- Fifth, get ready for bed.
I have in mind here a preparation of two kinds. First, unmarried couples, actively prepare for your first time together in bed. Your thoughts and your treatment of one another before marriage are a preparation for that first night. Then, once you’re married, actively prepare for your time together in bed. What that means will depend on the couple but there are investments you can make that are consistent for each gender. As an example, a woman may take care of herself to be attractive to her would-be husband but then let herself go later. Or, a man may take care of that same lady with love and affection but then take her for granted when they get married. The things you did to win your spouse typically remain meaningful after you’re married. Whatever it means for you in your marriage, stay in the game. Keep investing. Get ready for bed.
Your Wedding Day, God’s Judgment Day, and Our Assurance
All of this is more serious than we might at first think. This twofold command comes with a compelling reason: “Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous” (Heb. 13:4, emphasis mine). This is indeed a sober warning of final judgment (Heb. 6:4–8; 10:26–31; 12:25; cf. Col. 3:5–6; 1 Cor. 10:8; 1 Thess. 4:3–6). Those who unrepentantly indulge in sexual immorality will be exposed and judged by God, and he will justly sentence them into the lake of fire (Rev. 21:8), away from the joy of his presence forever (Rev. 22:15).
How are we supposed to hear this warning?
We should hear this warning as the measure of the preciousness of our marriage beds to our Lord. The marriage bed is from God for our joy. Which is why he jealously guards it with such prohibitions and promises of judgment for defilement.
We should hear this warning as a real warning. Holding fast to our confession of Jesus means, quite practically, holding on to our spouses.
Are you slowly drifting from Christ in the arena of your marriage—one conversation or click at a time? This warning is especially for you—even God’s mercy for you. In this warning, hear the call to pay much more careful attention to the message you have heard (Heb. 2:1). Jesus is a once-for-all sacrifice for your sins and he is yours if you will look to him, repent, and stay with him (Heb. 7:27). Pray to him, hold fast to him, and get back to church where his people can encourage you until the day of his coming (Heb. 10:19–25). Are you far from shore but beginning to see your predicament? Lay aside your sin, look to him, imitate your leaders, and don’t look back (Heb 12:1–2; 13:7, 17).
What You’ll Find Through Front Door of Our Home
Rarely have I heard more thankful words after a sermon than when I read my wedding vows to the church after preaching from Hebrews 13:4.
One way all of us can stir one another up to honor marriage is by tending to the first words we speak in marriage, the vows we speak before God and many witnesses on our wedding days.
Here are the vows that Kristi and I made to one another before God on our wedding day, the vows I use when marrying couples.[4]
4. When I am asked to officiate a marriage, I have a few requirements. One is that the couple use the vows that I provide. They can modify them slightly. But I discourage the suggestion that writing your own vows from scratch helps you own them, or that being creative or original is necessarily more meaningful.
Trent, do you take Kristi to be your wedded wife, to leave your father and mother and all others to cleave unto her so long as you both shall live? “I do.”
Kristi, do you take Trent to be your wedded husband, to leave your father and mother and all others to cleave unto him so long as you both shall live? “I do.”
With love I take you, Kristi, to be my wife; to have and to hold from this day forward; to love you as Christ loves the Church; to cherish you as I do my own body; to lead you as Christ leads me; with deep respect and honor; willingly sharing every part of my life with you; as you are now a part of me; remaining faithful to you with God’s help; encouraging you in our Lord; and being at your side; according to God’s Word; for the rest of my life.
With love I take you, Trent, to be my husband; to have and to hold from this day forward; in submission to you as we both are to Christ; with deep respect and honor; supportive of you as my leader; and as the head of our home; willingly sharing every part of my life with you; as you are now a part of me; remaining faithful to you with God’s help; encouraging you in our Lord; and being at your side; according to God’s Word; for the rest of my life.
We said these words to one another on July 19, 2003. We’ve been married over twenty years. We pray for faithfulness to match our parents on both sides who have passed fifty years of marriage.
Today, these vows hang by our front door of our home, words surrounded by the signatures of the witnesses who joined us on that day—our parents, our pastors, and those who stood with us. Our marriage is not without its trials and temptations, even failures. But these words at our front door speak to the value of this covenant we are in, and they remind us of the need to prize and protect what God has joined together.
Beloved, let us consider how to stir up one another up to love and to good marriages.
