When I picked up our firstborn son, a new weight of responsibility settled on me. This small life was utterly vulnerable. He needed me for everything: shelter, food, clothing, love. Absolutely everything. I was also struck by the reality that this responsibility was good. This is how God designed the world to work. We fathers are called to raise our children in “the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4), to provide for their physical needs (1 Tim. 5:8), to warn them of danger (Prov. 4:1–4), and to lead them by modeling faithfulness (Prov. 20:7). We provide and protect. We put meals on the table and keep our kids off the street. We grill meat like it’s a spiritual discipline and kill spiders with righteous fury. We teach them to throw a ball and sit straight. We do all these good things because we love them and because they need it.
But if we do all that, why would we not also protect them from pornography? Don’t get me wrong, most Christian dads would say “yes” and “amen” to this last statement. We all know that pornography is a rampant problem. We all know that our kids will likely get exposed at some point. But for some reason, we fathers tend to count ourselves out of the conversation. Perhaps it’s because of past or present sin in our own lives. Perhaps it’s because we hope the school or church will talk about it. Perhaps it’s simply because we don’t want to believe it will happen to our kids. “Not my son or daughter!”
In this article, I want to persuade you that raising children of sexual integrity is possible, and it is your God-given responsibility as a father. You don’t have to be a tech wizard or counseling guru to protect your children. So what do you need to know? First, the why, then the how.
Why Fathers Must Protect Their Children From Pornography
If you do not disciple your children in the area of sexuality and pornography, the world will. The average age of exposure to pornography is now around age eight years old. Exposures happen at school, with friends, on the bus, watching movies, on devices, and in any number of other scenarios. It is not a question of if they will be exposed; it is simply a matter of when. Our children have access to more online sexual content than has ever been available before. Pornography is anonymous, addictive, and accessible. Fathers, this is one of the greatest threats to your children’s souls; you cannot afford to do nothing. That is the bad news, but I suspect I didn’t actually surprise you.
The good news is you can do something about it. You have the unique opportunity to speak into your child’s life as you “walk by the way … when you lie down, and when you rise.” (Deut. 6:6–7). As the provider and protector of the home, you particularly have a responsibility to take the threat of pornography seriously. Christian schools, good books, and Sunday school classes are all helpful supports, but they are no replacement for a father who is intentionally involved in teaching his sons and daughters about sexuality, gender, and pornography. If you are raising your children as a single mom, then this responsibility is yours.
Before going any further, we need to know what our true goal is. Our goal is to raise children of integrity who know and love the Lord (cf. Prov. 22:6). Yes, safeguards are necessary in the home, but ultimately, there is no greater protection for their hearts than the indwelling of the Holy Spirit and conviction to turn away from sexual sin. We set our sights too low when we simply aim at protecting our children. They will be exposed at some point. Commit to discipling your children and pray for hearts that will know how to respond and invite accountability.
What does that look like? How do you raise children of integrity? Simply put, it starts with talking. Teach and talk. Read good books and talk.[1] Wash the dishes and talk. Ask probing questions and talk some more. The conversation about sex cannot be a one-time conversation when they hit puberty; it needs to be a regular point of conversation that starts in age-appropriate ways when they are young and continues until they are old. Does this sound overkill? It is not. This is one of the most common sin-struggles today. And it is not just an issue for our sons; 40% of Christian women are now regularly watching pornography. Pornography destroys marriages, friendships, careers, and ultimately love for the Lord. Teach, talk, listen, repeat.
1. For Children under nine years old, the following books are helpful: Kristen A. Jenson and Gail Poyner, Good Pictures Bad Pictures: Porn-Proofing Today’s Young Kids, illustrated by Debbie Fox (Richland, WA: Glen Cove Press, 2014); Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb, God Made All of Me: A Book to Help Children Protect Their Bodies, illustrated by Trish Mahoney (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2015); Marty Machowski, God Made Boys and Girls: Helping Children Understand the Gift of Gender, illustrated by Trish Mahoney (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2019); Justin S. Holcomb and Lindsey A. Holcomb, God Made Babies: Helping Parents Answer the Baby Question, illustrated by Trish Mahoney (Greensboro, NC: New Growth Press, 2022). For those who are nearing or who have begun puberty, a parent can lead their children through Garrett J. Kell, Pure in Heart: Sexual Sin and the Promises of God (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2021); Deepak Reju, Pornography: Fighting for Purity, 31-Day Devotionals for Life (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R Publishing, 2018); and David Powlison, Making All Things New: Restoring Joy to the Sexually Broken (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2017).
I would encourage you to equip yourself by watching Into The Light’s masterclass video series called Parenting & Pornography: Road Maps to Raising Children of Integrity. It is a free series for parents and pastors featuring Albert Mohler, Jonathan Homes, Justin Earley, and other speakers. The series goes in-depth on how to address the issue of pornography in an age-appropriate way with your children. There is also a workbook that will enable you to dive deeper into the material as a couple or in a group study.
Fathers, you are God’s ambassadors to your family. You are called to reflect the very character of God to your children. Through you, they could see a glimpse of their heavenly Father’s compassionate heart, loving correction, and wise protection. You have the opportunity to teach them God’s good and beautiful design for marriage and sexuality. And you have the obligation to warn them of the dangers.
How Fathers Can Protect Their Devices From Pornography
Teaching and talking are vital, but they are not our only tools. We also need to put up boundaries around our homes and devices. We need an uninterrupted space where we can disciple our children’s hearts and prepare them to face future temptations. So, how do we do this? How do we protect our homes? By implementing wise habits of technology use.
Hardcore pornography can be accessed on a phone, tablet, computer, gaming console, smart TV, smart home, smart watch, VR, and more. I would guess that you have at least three or four of those device types in your home. How many of them are protected with filtering, monitoring, or blocking? Are you utilizing parental controls? Do your children have access to unprotected devices? When was the last time you checked your child’s device history? Fathers, one of the greatest ways you can love your children is by being involved in their world of technology. It takes time and money to monitor, filter, and block all your devices, but it is so worth it! We invest in locks on our doors and car seats for our vehicles because we want to protect our children. It is just as important that we protect them when they are online.
Yes, this can be overwhelming. But you do not need to be a tech wizard to make your home safe. I would encourage you to check out Into The Light’s free tutorial series called TechSafe. This series offers step-by-step instructions on how to protect all the different device types in your home. It may be impossible to close off 100% of the access points to pornography, but it is possible to protect your home from 80-90% of it.
Alongside technology that filters, monitors, and blocks, we need to teach our children habits of wisdom so that they can take responsibility for their own devices as they get older. For example, you could make it a family practice that tech is used communally, not individually. That you will prioritize media that promotes creation, not consumption. That your family interprets and evaluates media instead of simply watching it. That it may be foolish to watch YouTube alone in your room. That the best conversations happen in person, not online. That technology is never neutral; it is always either forming us into lovers of God or lovers of something else. That we need accountability in all areas of life, but especially online. Wisdom practices can be taught, but they are best learned when our children see us living them out first. Instead of denigrating or avoiding technology, we can invite our children to seek after wisdom in its use.
Proverbs 3:13–18 says,
Blessed is the one who finds wisdom, and the one who gets understanding, for the gain from her is better than gain from silver and her profit better than gold. She is more precious than jewels, and nothing you desire can compare with her. Long life is in her right hand; in her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, and all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who lay hold of her; those who hold her fast are called blessed.
The more our children are marked by this wisdom, the more technology they can have. Using technology requires both self-control and wisdom, two things youth often lack. But growth in self-control and a desire for accountability may be markers that they are ready for more freedom.
Conclusion
I was eight years old when I first got exposed to pornography. My parents never knew. They didn’t know that they needed to talk to me at such a young age. They didn’t know all the avenues by which porn could enter our home. I don’t want this to be the story of my boys too. My prayer for my sons is that they would be wise. That they would flee pornography. That they would be men of integrity who love the Lord. Fathers, with God’s help, this is possible. God has given us everything we need to disciple our children, to protect them, and to raise children of integrity. It is possible to cut off access to pornography in our homes. It is possible to have an open relationship with our children on the topic of pornography. It is possible for them to never have an extended enslavement to sexual sin. Fathers, choosing to do nothing is not an option. We are not guaranteed success protecting them, but we can be found faithful to our responsibility on the final day (1 Cor. 4:3). We can be there for our children when they mess up, and we can show them the forgiving grace of Christ for weak and needy sinners like us. This is a privilege! Our job is to press into their lives with wise parental authority and step up to the role God calls us to.
