When my parents separated in 1983, our family moved cities for employment. I and my five siblings were left without regular access to our father, seeing him about twice a year. I was ten years old. Those were painful and chaotic years that resulted in much strife, infighting, lack of household leadership, and poverty. However, as dreadful as that experience was, the Lord saw fit to use the event and its aftermath to instill within me a desire to seek out godly role models who were willing to equip me to be a godly father to my future children.
Over the coming years the Lord would provide mentors, Sunday school teachers, youth leaders, and other thoughtful Christian men to fill the relational void, instruct me in the Word, and model male leadership. Four decades later, I not only have loving relationships with my parents but have also been blessed with five godly children and a growing number of grandchildren. I love being a dad, and I believe that with the help of the Lord, Christian men are well resourced to excel in godly fatherhood!
Clearly, despite the paternal absence that many children face, fatherlessness is not a curse that consigns men to lifelong incompetence when they begin raising their own children. God, by his grace, can equip men to parent godly offspring—regardless of their deficient family history or cultural disadvantages. Whether one’s father was proactive or passive, present or absent, Christian fathers must investigate the Scriptures for instruction, hold fast to biblical principles, and learn from others that have succeeded in child-rearing. The wisdom of God is applicable to all spheres, and if fatherhood is a stewardship God has afforded a man, he can lead with confidence.
Three Enduring Values of Godly Fathers
Fatherhood can be an overwhelming, frustrating, and failing endeavor if men have no foundation upon which to lead. But there are three enduring values that guide godly fatherhood—values that form the backbone of this essay. The acrostic D.A.D. will serve as a mnemonic:
- Godly fathers value Doctrine.
- Godly fathers value Assessment.
- Godly fathers value Discipleship.
The spiritual fruit of godly households borne from these values can be entrusted to our sovereign God with the hopeful anticipation that he will honor the effort (Prov. 22:6).
How do these values equip men to become competent and godly fathers?
1. Godly Fathers Value Doctrine: How does the Bible inform fatherhood?
The Bible is filled with references to fatherhood. Since the Word of God is the final authority, Christian fathers must study Scripture and in particular,1) pay careful attention to the divine origin of fatherhood, 2) cherish the creational mandate to take dominion and be fruitful (Gen. 1:26–28), and 3) obey applicable biblical instructions. Unfamiliarity with God’s Word, passive indifference toward doctrine, temptation to replace the Bible with sociological insights, or willingness to adopt cultural norms disjointed from biblical doctrine is sure to result in defeat.
The word father appears in fifty-eight of the sixty-six books of the Bible.[1] Among the references to father there are divine names that present God as Father, trinitarian theology that teaches an eternal Father-Son relationship, male and female names built off the root word father, positive and negative examples, directives for raising children, commands for children to honor their father and mother, and the assertion that children are rewards from God.
1. Only Song of Songs, a handful of the Minor Prophets, and 3 John do not contain the word father (although 3 John 1:4 refers to the readers as my children.
God as Father
The original and eternal father is God. God’s fatherly nature is borne out in numerous divine names including: “everlasting Father” (Isa. 9:6), “Father in heaven” (Matt. 6:9), “God our Father” (Eph. 6:2), “Father of lights” (James 1:17), “holy Father” (John 17:11), “living Father” (John 6:57), and “Abba, Father” (Mark 14:36). As the heavenly Father, God: 1) possesses authority over his children (Exod. 4:11–12), 2) is trustworthy in all things (Num. 23:19), 3) is an ever-present help (Ps. 46:1), 4) communicates laws and expectations (Exod. 19–20), 5) provides (2 Pet. 1:3), and 6) disciplines his children (Prov. 3:12). All these divine characteristics supply human fathers with parallel insights into their duties and responsibilities. Unlike Father God, men will occasionally fail to live out these expectations; they will most certainly fail if they ignore them! The heavenly Father’s relationship with his children serves as a general paradigm for earthly fathers. For this reason alone, fathers who are submissive to God have a massive advantage over self-governed men.
The Divine Father-Son Relationship
While the Father is not superior in essence to the Son, he possesses authority over the Son in his human nature, as the Son obeys the Father in fulfillment of God’s eternal plan (the Pactum Salutis). Because the Father-Son relationship is analogical to human fathers and their sons, earthly fathers and their sons can learn from and imitate the relationship of God the Father and his Son, especially in its economic expression (i.e., what the Incarnate Son does in creation). Specific to John’s Gospel then, a father and son can and should take up a unity of mission and a proper sense of authority and submission, as well as seeking to glorify the other. Indeed, while there is no univocal way to imitate the Father and Son and Holy Spirit, there are many analogical ways.
[Editor’s Note: These paragraphs have been updated to clarify the doctrine of the Trinity.]
Human fathers have authority while never diminishing the full humanity and value of their children. Fathers are equal to their children as made in the imago dei, but they are assigned temporal authority over their households until their children leave and cleave (Gen. 2:24). Children in turn are to honor and respect fatherly authority, strive for unity of purpose and mission, humbly take direction, love, and obey without concluding that they are being devalued. Wise fathers will instruct children in these truths and, by that, avoid much conflict.
Honor your Father
In the Word of God, fatherhood is presented as an honorable state, as the fifth commandment in the Decalogue states: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exod. 20:12). The inclusion of the Hebrew word for father (Ab) in the etymology of numerous biblical names further amplifies the honor afforded fathers. Names include: Abram (exalted father), Abiathar (father of plenty), Abihu (my father is he), Abishag (father of error), Absalom (father of peace), Ahab (father’s brother), Eliab (God is one’s father), and Joab (YHWH is father). In some cases, the inclusion of Ab depicts a child’s idealized relationship to his/her father (e.g. Abigail, which means “my father’s joy”). At other times, a name would point past the human father to God as Father (e.g. Abiel means “God is my father”). The role of a father was honored in the naming of children, fecundity producing many children was considered a blessing from God (Deut. 7:14), and infertility was mourned (Gen. 25:21).
God’s provision of children is described as a heritage and reward from God (Ps. 127:3). This is a salient declaration for fathers to hear in view of the modern proclivity both to willfully murder preborn children through abortion or to classify children as barriers to vocational and economic advancement. Consider that over 1.1 million preborn babies are murdered annually in Canada and the USA alone. Male celebrities like Christopher Walken, Seth Rogan, or Bill Maher, who many have looked to as role models, have publicly disavowed fatherhood in order to focus on their careers and other interests. In stark contrast, Christian fathers affirm the full humanity of children from conception onward and consider them a reward, a joy, and a heritage bestowed by God.
Positive and Negative Examples
Fatherhood’s foundational influence on families and tribes is present in genealogies, narratives, and proverbs which feature: 1) wicked fathers, 2) passive fathers, and 3) godly fathers. Wicked fathers often produce wicked offspring as evidenced in the half-year reign of Zechariah son of Jeroboam who “. . . did what was evil in the sight of the Lord, as his fathers had done. He did not depart from the sins of Jeroboam the son of Nebat, which he made Israel to sin” (2 Kgs. 15:9). Passive fathers often produce worthless children, as evidenced in Eli’s life. As useful as this priest was in shaping the spiritual life of the prophet Samuel, he chose passive-indifference with his own two sons who became “worthless men” that “did not know the Lord” (1 Sam. 2:12). As a refreshing contrast, the Bible optimistically observes, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it” (Prov. 22:6). Godly fathers can anticipate a reward for the biblical training given to their children.
All three types can be found in every era, including a good many passive fathers in Christian churches today. Where did male passivity originate? It originated in Adam! The first man’s failure to guard his wife against the serpent’s lies, and subsequent participation in sin, resulted in the Fall of humanity (Gen. 3:1–7). The Edenic passivity of Adam, who was equipped and commissioned to lead, has been passed down to his sons, who must identify and repent of this sin in every subsequent generation. Edenic passivity can be identified in the mindset of fathers who refuse to discipline their sons, lest they drive their children farther away, or who fail to instruct daughters in the Word because they have become too busy at work, or who throw up their hands in despair when children refuse to obey. Fathers cannot shirk their responsibility to speak up, to confront sin, and to point their children to Christ. In keeping with Proverbs 22:6, it is a rare occurrence for fathers who have been proactive in care, instruction, and discipline to produce unruly, rebellious children. By observing and considering the outcomes of the three types of fathers, men are motivated to pattern their parenting after the Word of God—to actively obey and apply it.
Fatherly Duties
All authority is assigned by God, whether it be governmental, ecclesiastical, or parental. Each authoritative role is informed and limited by the Scriptures, necessitating study and obedience to biblical precepts while guarding their role from disrespect and disrepute. Fatherhood is a sphere of authority with at least five fundamental duties:
- Fathers must act honorably and require honor from their children. Fathers are right to require honor from their children, not to inflate their own egos, but to enforce order in their families. This requirement is made easier on children when fathers conduct themselves with poise and self-control, and when fathers communicate and enforce clear boundaries. (Ex. 20:12; Eph. 6:1–3)
- Fathers must love and show compassion to their children. Fatherly love should be clearly communicated in word and deed, leaving children no doubt that they are cherished. By loving children consistently, they are better equipped to interpret corrective action as expressions of love rather than hatred (Ps. 103:13).
- Fathers must instruct their children in truth. Some Christian men will serve in formal teaching roles in the church and academy, but all able-minded Christian fathers are responsible to teach their children the precepts of God (Eph. 6:4). The archetypal biblical father instructs his children to obey God’s commands and warns of the consequences of failure (Prov. 4:1; 5:7; 7:24; 8:32). This is in stark contrast to the father of lies (John 8:44) who deceives the world into rejecting the laws of God.
- Fathers must provide for their children. Fathers bear the solemn duty to provide for the needs of their children and families (Matt. 7:9–11). The Scriptures equate failure to provide with unbelief: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). Of course, while this mandate may extend into adulthood in extraordinary circumstances, children also need to be equipped with a strong work ethic so that they are “dependent on no one” (1 Thess. 4:12) lest they become lazy and unproductive (2 Thess. 3:10).
- Father must exercise reasonable and consistent discipline. Christian fathers are responsible to oversee discipline in the home by communicating expectations, praising obedience, and penalizing disobedience (Prov. 13:14; 19:18; Eph. 6:4; Heb. 12:7). The shocking truth is that fathers who fail to discipline their children hate them (Prov. 13:24). On the other end, harsh fathers embitter and drive their children away (Col. 3:21).
Having considered the teachings of Scripture, wise fathers will seek to assess successful and unsuccessful fathers and learn from their examples.
2. Godly Fathers Value Assessment: What wisdom can be gleaned from other fathers?
By assessing other fathers, both in Scripture and contemporary life, men can learn positive lessons and avoid potential mistakes. Christianity is an imitative faith (1 Cor. 11:1), and much wisdom can be gleaned through observation and conversation with others, including from failure (Prov. 1:8; 2:1; 3:1; 1 Tim. 1:18; Titus 1:4). Thoughtful men will ask, “What can I learn from older fathers?” and, “Why bother repeating the mistakes of others?” They will constantly assess good and bad examples everywhere they are found!
Assessing Biblical Examples
Numerous father-child relationships in Scripture are open to appraisal. Some are genealogical in nature and provide little to no insight into the relational dynamics between the father and child (e.g. Adam and Seth; Terah and Abram). Others provide fuller descriptions. Negative examples to study include: Jacob, who suffered the temporary loss of Joseph by failing to consider the inevitable jealousy that resulted from favoring one son over the others (Gen. 37:3–4). Eli, who wrongly appointed his godless sons as judges over Israel (1 Sam. 1:3; 2:27–36). Saul, who was so bitter at David that he tried to kill his own son Jonathan (1 Sam. 20:30–34). Lot, who got drunk and impregnated his daughters (Gen. 19:30–38). David, who failed to confront Absalom’s arrogance and thereby suffered from treasonous behavior (2 Sam. 15:1–6). David also failed to address the rape committed by his son Amnon, which resulted in Amnon’s fratricide (2 Sam. 13:20–22, 32). Refreshingly, we see positive examples as well including Job, who prayed fervently for his children and was blessed (Job 1:5) and Jehonadab the Rechabite, whose zeal made him the founder of a tribe of people zealous for the Lord for generations to come (2 Kgs. 10:15–17; Jer. 35:1–11). Talk about an enviable legacy!
It is important to note that fatherhood is not the measure of a man’s worth or value. Some of the most godly men in the Bible did not have children. Daniel was likely a childless eunuch; Paul was likely unmarried and childless; and there are no biblical records naming any of the children of the twelve apostles (although they most certainly had sons and daughters; see Matt. 8:14; 1 Cor. 9:5). But for those assigned the task of raising godly offspring, much wisdom is gleaned from assessing past generations.
Assessing Modern Examples
Good Examples
In 1 Timothy 4:12, an older Paul encouraged a younger Timothy to set an example for others to emulate. Titus 2:7 instructs older men to be role models to younger men. Proverbs 27:17 observes that men “sharpen” one another as “iron sharpens iron.” Even today, God is operating to sanctify his people through the Word and Spirit and uses the older to teach and model the faith to the younger. And men need to know this: past failures and feelings of incompetence can be forgiven and overcome through obedience to the Word and Spirit of God. No man will exercise his responsibilities perfectly, but he can experience exponential growth that will bless his sons and daughters. For this reason, younger Christian fathers are advised to seek out more experienced men who will offer wise counsel and exemplify biblical fatherhood.
What qualities should be observed in experienced fathers? To name a few: A seasoned track record of faithfulness in home and church; Evidence that he is socially and relationally sought after by peers and well thought of by older people; A man who has children that are older than yours; A man who has successfully raised godly children to adulthood.
Bad Examples
Wise men will also take heed of the damaging consequences of failed fathers. They can be found in the Bible, our clans, churches, and culture. Common fatherhood failures include a failure to worship and submit themselves to God, failure to articulate and enforce household rules, permitting disrespect, as well as neglecting to love their children emotionally, verbally, and through loving actions. The Bible teaches, “Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, but the companion of fools will suffer harm” (Prov. 13:20). Take time to learn from wise men and avoid the error of fools (Prov. 14:7).
3. Godly Fathers Value Discipleship: How to raise Great Commission children.
Raising Children is Great Commission Ministry
The terminal goal of raising children is not athletic success, good grades, or marriage, but guiding sons and daughters to glorify God in all spheres of life. Fatherhood is Great Commission ministry (Matt. 28:18–20). Children are a stewardship from God, and while each parent plays an essential role in the maturing of a child, fathers are spiritual leaders who must be in the vanguard of making disciples (Deut. 6:7; Eph. 6:4; Col. 3:21).
What practical steps can be taken to disciple children?
Practical Strategies for Disciple-Making Dads
- Pray for children before and after they are born. Prayer petitions God to manifest his presence, save, and bless children. Prayer serves to keep fathers humble and attentive to God’s ultimate authority. The Scriptures teach, “Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually” (1 Chron. 16:11). Men who live in the perpetual presence of God are sure to receive a reward for their labor.
- Love their mother. Strong marriages bring children comfort and stability. Men must not conceal their love for their wives! As much as kids may protest with “Ew!” and “Yuck!”, children benefit when they witness their fathers showing affection to their mothers. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Eph. 5:25). Marital love is patterned after the Gospel relationship between Christ and his Bride, aiding children to see and understand the nature of the Christian life and Gospel. Loving, stable marriages provide children with access to the complementary but distinct qualities of mothers and fathers and ensure stable homes.
- Be honorable men. Men need not feign perfection to be worthy of honor. Godly fathers will listen and offer sound instruction, will act with self-control when administering discipline, and will apologize when they fail. Honorable men are far more likely to produce honorable children who will heed counsel and honor God.
- Be firm-handed leaders. Every child will test the limits of fatherly authority, but if a father relents, both parties lose. Men of integrity will maintain principles and display tenacious, unyielding leadership in their homes. While lovingly affirming their children, including praising righteous actions, fathers will confront error without exception. Firm-handedness blesses children over the long run and affords stability and peace.
- Consistently enforce fundamental household rules. Fathers must avoid the parallel ditches of totalitarianism and lawlessness. Wise fathers lead from the center by teaching fundamental truths and then creating boundaries and establishing rules at each stage of childhood. But overbearing, provocative fathers are warned: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged” (Col. 3:21). Firm discipline should be exercised in matters such as: honoring authority, honesty, hard work, sexual ethics, modesty, substance use, spending habits, language, church attendance, and educational requirements. Household rules should be clearly articulated—you do not want to make your kids read your mind—and consistently enforced. As a general rule, the more that consistent discipline is applied up unto the pre-teen years, the less discipline will be required in the teen years leading up to adulthood.
- Initiate regular checkups. Beginning at an early age, engage in regular conversation with children. Read them stories, play with them, joke around, and teach basic communication skills (e.g. “Look me in the eye when talking,” “Never say ‘No’ to Daddy or Mommy,” “Slow down when you speak,” etc.). As they mature, engage in more weighty conversations. Discuss money, sex, marriage, work, school, politics, and talk through current issues, even if it’s awkward at first or they seem uninterested. By normalizing regular communication in the early years, it is easier to maintain weighty conversations through the teen years as they rapidly morph from dependence to independence. Fathers of teens will not regret having regular monthly discussions with their children in addition to daily or weekly check-ins.
- Observe and evaluate each child. Asking probing questions like, “What are your highs and lows?” or “What can I pray for?” enables fathers to gain insight into the interior life of their kids. Observing how children respond to criticism and praise, how they interact with other adults in public, what friendships they pursue, and how they worship is invaluable. Fathers can then tailor their discipleship methods to the unique make-up of each child by encouraging them in their strengths while also naming and helping to overcome deficits.
- Raise adults, not children. While parents should enjoy each stage of a child’s maturation, kids grow rapidly into adulthood and therefore need to be well-equipped for each life stage. Consider treating each child as if they are one or two years older than they actually are. Talk up to them, not down. Encourage them to perform chores and to seek employment early. Offer reading materials that will stretch them intellectually. Equip them to fight their own battles and resolve their own conflicts. Teach them to handle money at the earliest opportunity by requiring giving, saving, and responsible spending. Inspire them to serve in the church. Let them know that you are preparing them to be fully-equipped adults by the age of eighteen, ready to work, marry, and raise children of their own.
The aforementioned practices are tried and true and will enable fathers to lead with confidence and increase the likelihood of raising responsible sons and daughters.
Conclusion
The time will speedily arrive when children reach adulthood. For most fathers (and mothers) this will come with a mixture of emotions including a healthy pride in seeing one’s children walk in the truth and a nostalgic mourning period as children leave the home and begin their careers and families. But the reward for raising children in truth is an invaluable part of every man’s legacy. The Bible offers this encouragement: “The father of the righteous will greatly rejoice; he who fathers a wise son will be glad in him” (Prov. 23:24). Men, if God has called you to be a father, work hard at loving, training, disciplining, praying for, and providing. There will be periods of joy, frustration, laughter, anger and a whole host of other emotions. And yet, with the help of the Lord, we can succeed in raising up godly children in a fallen down world.
“But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” (Josh. 24:15)
